Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Holiday season part 1

I watched Happy Feet with my girl. It was hilarious! Good for emotional therapy, apart from shopping. Hehhehe.. Being on leave is bad for me as my money flows like a running tap. But so far, the things I bought are essentials. Heater for the house, sweaters and casual handbag for me, jeans and long sleeve top for my girl. Most of these items were on sale, 50% off, except for the heater. I shall prepare myself for the Boxing Day’s damage. It’ll be three times more than what I’ve spent so far.

Most likely I have to travel to Europe in January. Before I went on leave, the Director asked whether my visa allows me to go to Europe. I think that’s a hint.

A few things happened past days. Some were good, some could have been better. I try not to be bothered by the not-so-good events. I find it hard when someone gives ‘no time’ as an excuse for not doing something which only takes 5-10 minutes of their time. Sometimes I wonder if we swap roles for just one day, maybe it’ll be an eye opener for defining ‘no time’ excuse. Different people have different priority I guess.

The other day, my girl watched an advertisement for donation to some charity meant for abused or neglected kids. The advert had a girl, trying to open a can of food on her own in her house. My girl saw this clip a few times already. But that night, our conversation went like this:
My girl: “why there is no mummy and daddy in her house?’
Me: “Sometimes mummies and daddies don’t want to take care of their children.”
My girl: “like my daddy?”

There was a pause…

I asked, “are you sad honey?”
Her answer, “no mummy because I have you. You take care of me.”

How one advert affects her thoughts… how she relates her situation with the girl in that clip. A simple question but touched my heart.

A friend lost her father recently. It was difficult for her to find a seat to go back due to festive season and the bad fog in London. Most flights couldn’t take off. She got back the day after her father’s death. I hope she will find strength during this difficult time.

Friday, December 15, 2006


I saw this video clip. Though I doubt I will have a chance to watch this movie, I think it’s a good one. It’s about reality of life, five stories to share. I like Kak Ruby's comments about the film:

How many of us have remained in a relationship simply because you thought it’s the right thing to do? or leaving the love of your life to make others happy? Or not taking second chances in life because you are scared to do so?

Life is about taking chances. No one will change your fate unless you do something about it.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been had I stayed back home. Will I still be disillusioned, thinking that everything will turn out fine? Will I still think that I’m unworthy, unable to be the perfect person everyone wants me to be? Will I ever find happiness and peace….?

I have the best thing in life now. My daughter, the love of my life. She never judges me. She always appreciates the things I do, be it cooking simple food, sending her to school, making simple lunch pack. She never complained when we stayed in a tiny flat or when I couldn’t afford to buy her favourite toys. Maybe that’s why our life has got better. Her patience paid off.

Today another good friend has gone back for good. I wish him all the best with his new undertakings. Thank you for your time. Look forward for this new journey in life.

Anuar Zain-Perpisahan

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Closing doors..

I’ve been away. Out at client’s place, on leave and on course. I only have four more working days before I start my Christmas break. It’ll be two weeks leave. Looking forward to it.

My course for the past two days was about report writing. There was a session on grammar and surprisingly, I knew all the answers! The facilitators said, usually the non-English speakers are aces when it comes to this session. I just love it! J Funny funny.

My favourite Ghost Whisperer series is now over. There goes my Tuesday night entertainment. Oh well, I still have CSI to watch. I’m tempted to buy the box series on Sex & The City. It’s on sale for just £50 for the complete series. That’s a bargain! I’m trying really hard not to buy anything until sale starts which is just 13 days to go.

Mama S has asked when I’m free to hang out (without our kids). She said we should ask Kakak Rock to come along and just have mommies’ night out, leave the kids with the nanny. The last time I watch a movie was a few months ago, Cars. Anyway, it’ll be good to have a day with the moms. Kakak Rock wants to bring me to the salon she usually goes to. Apparently it’s much cheaper as the beauticians are still on training, thus charges are below market price. J

Also, I got feedback from my previous assignment. Overall, the Director gave ‘outstanding and excellent’. I’m very pleased! There were specific and lengthy comments but I was really surprised with the feedback. My friends keep saying that I always under-rate myself. I should have more faith in my capabilities.

It also applies to love. I need to have more faith in TD, his sincerity. I guess what I went through made me sceptical. I shouldn’t judge him, I shouldn’t keep my doors closed.

Friday, December 01, 2006

31 days...

31 days to 2007. Have you achieved your resolutions for this year?

Well, if you haven’t, you’ve got 31 days to do so (30 days since it’s already 5pm UK time).

I achieved all except one. I have yet to watch a theatre. Yup, I’ve been here for more than 2 years and I have yet to watch any! Tickets are cheap and you can always get discounted ones online. Even my girl watched one already. Mummy is yet to appreciate this.

Anyway, we’re going to have Indian meal tonight. Tomorrow, I need to take another picture of her for our visa. I just realised her picture had shadows and apparently, it’s not allowed under immigration guidelines.

What’s my next year wish-list? Here it goes:

1. Visit:
a. Disneyland Paris – mummy is more excited to go than the princess.
b. Granada, Spain – see Alhambra Palace
c. Istanbul and Bodrum – I cant get enough of Istanbul. Bodrum is just to bring the little one to see TD’s boat.

2. Work hard and get promoted. More shopping and holiday trips for both of us. :D

3. Polish my French. It’s VERY rusty. How can I help with my kid’s homework?

4. Learn either Spanish or Turkish, depending where I’d like to go for my international posting. But if Turkey, I have my new friend, Simah, to give survival tips.

5. Be happy!

Take care people! Have a good weekend and spend time with your loved ones!

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Ginger bread man

I’m done for today and it’s only 4pm. My report is due at 4.30pm (first draft). Nothing much I can do anyway since I don’t have access to the rest of the information. Going to review the stuffs next week. Guess I’m going home early tonight (was expecting to be working late).

My girl made me a ginger bread man! Yup! Like the ones in Shrek. She decorated it, with smarties chocolate and icing pen. I had it for tea just now. It was as big as my palm! She actually told me to show it off at office (which I did. My secretary thought it was so sweet of her to do so).

Did my long overdue waxing (at home of course). When you are a mom (in my case, a working single mom), it’s just hard to find time for yourself. My routine starts at 7am and ends at 10-12 pm, sometimes way past midnight if I have to continue work at home. This week, I’ve been making sandwich and boiled sweetcorn for my girl’s packed lunch. Today, I even made fried rice for my own lunch (there were some leftovers. Might as well bring it to work). I try to make it a point to put some time for myself once a month, either for body pampering, shopping for my own things (which usually ends up with her stuffs), coffee with friends, etc. It’s also her time to catch up with her friends as they go to different schools. They will compare notes, exchange gossips ie who is the cutest boy in their class.

Despite my rush to complete this report, I Googled TD during lunch time. Hehhehe… I was surprised that it came out a few, most in his language which I couldn’t comprehend. Well, not really that surprised since he was actually quite prominent in his profession back home. But the best part was I got his picture! Hahahhaha… Published by the university. I get to see his course-mates, mostly investment bankers. There are only 30 of them I think. He looks good (ehheheh… bias again). Well, he always looks good in a suit.

Thinking what to do this weekend. Ms Alchemist suggests that I watch Casino Royale. I’m not a fan of James Bond movies. I only watch it because of Pierce Brosnan. :P This week’s Ghost Whisperer was kind of eerie, to be continued next week.

Also, this year I shall attend the department’s/firm’s Christmas dinner. Thus, I shall find a dress. I’m sure the first person who will look forward shopping for my dress will be none other than my girl. I’m sure that she will look forward to see me dressing up. Speaking of dresses, once I saw a lovely maroon dress from Monsoon. It’s actually for kids aged 13+. My friends persuaded me to try but I was sceptical (I didn’t think I’d fit). Surprise surprise! I did! And yes it was lovely… (and hell lot cheaper).

Wednesday, November 29, 2006


I’m having my second mocha for today. I must be stressed. I actually wanted to get a snack but I ended up with coffee. Damn that cashier. He just knew how to melt me with his smile. Ahhaha.. Lame excuse. I think I’m just stressed and need a coffee break. Plus the café downstairs serve good and CHEAP coffee. My mocha (which I have every morning), only cost £1.50 compare to Starbucks of £2.30. Life is good. :D

Also, today I saw our secretaries went shopping for one of the Directors. I think it’s a gift for his wife/kid. Don’t know. I said to my secretary, “what would they do without you?”. When I was a kid, most of my birthday gifts and cards were prepared by my dad’s secretary. He just signed them. I hope I won’t become one of them. I’ll try my best to choose my kid’s stuffs. Most of the time, she picks her things. I just pay for them.

Update on my girl:
Called her after she got back from school. She said her right knee hurts (I think she seeks for attention). I said, she’s a supergirl, very strong. The pain will go away. Plus, I’ll give her a hug when I go back later. She was being very lovey dovey. Hehhehe… My beautiful angel. Even when she’s in pain, she brightens my day. What would I do without you by my side?

It’s been a long day. I’m going to do some body pampering tonight.

She fell!

My baby girl fell on our way to school today. She cried a bit, her lips were cut. There were a little bit of blood. I'm sure there could be bruises underneath her tights. So I carried her to school, consoled her, despite my migraine (my head still aches today. Damn that donut!). My poor baby. She hugged me, feeling safe, knowing that mummy will always be there for her.

Then I remember the times when she fell asleep in the bus on our way home from the nursery/child-care centre. The nursery to our old house was just 5-10 mins bus ride but that’s long enough for a child to fall asleep after a tiring day. I carried her, with my laptop in my backpack, from the bus stop to our home. Lucky me, she only weighs under 15kg.

Maybe that’s why she feels safe, knowing each time she falls, mummy will be there to lift her.

And I hope God gives me the strength to raise her until she is old enough to be on her own.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Krispy Kreme

It’s been a tiring day. Maybe it’s because I was actually working. :P I’m having a bad headache. I think it’s due to my excessive eating of Krispy Kreme donuts. I had 4 in the last 2 days!

Also, something bugs me today. Sigh.. I know I know. I shouldn’t let those things bug me. But I’m still human, right. I just feel strange, knowing the person who used to be part of my life has become such a different person.

On another hand, TD suddenly called! :D See, he likes to do these unexpected gestures. It’s like, he just knows that I need TLC! Hey, a phone call is still TLC to me. He said the wedding was splendid but the worst part was he had to dance. This I have to see. He said it was recorded and he’ll show me if he gets his hands on it.

I better go. I’m missing my little angel. Geesh! I actually miss her everyday!!!! Even when I had to go away for business trip, I called her twice a day!

Of course I miss TD. And that phone call made me miss him more.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Monday note

This week, I'm assigned on an energy-related project. I've made my preference to specialise in financial service and energy industry. Today has been a good day. I was given a bunch of information and documents and it was up to me to design the report format and template. Cool! It’s much easier to outline your own report. I’m sure it’ll be cut and sliced by the bigger fish but at least I get the chance to put my creative mind into that report.

So for the past 3 weeks I did FS work and the next 1-2 weeks, I’m getting into energy stuffs. Hopefully it adds up my market value. The good thing of specialising FS is that most of our assignments are based in the city. The cons – I have a lot of reading (regulated industry).

Hope you enjoyed the video clip. Sometimes I think part of the clips (certain parts), kind of reflecting my life.

I’m done for today. Leaving now. Looking forward to be greeted by my baby.

Would you lie with me...?

Chasing Cars (Grey's Anatomy Version)

I like this clip.

Friday, November 24, 2006


I'm almost done for today. Actually, my report went out last night so I didn't have much to begin with.

My Director treated us lunch (I got to choose the place). Had calamari and lobster. Yummy!

Asked my girl what to do or where to go tonight. She said she wants to go to Boots. I was!??!?!?!? Last week, I asked her to go to Hamleys . FYI, it's a 5 storeys toy shop. She declined!!! My God. Her cartoon was far more important than going shopping at this place. And tonight, she wants to go to Boots!?! They dont even have toys there. Hmmm, maybe she wants to get that Barbie perfume. Her friend has one. Hmm, now it makes sense.

Also, two of my Directors were made Partners today. I'm so happy for them. I worked with one of them. Very good chap! He works really hard and still makes time to explain to little fish like me. The other guy is also a nice fella, keeps talking about his baby daughter and keeps reminding me to let him know if I have problem juggling between work and home.

Oh yeah, I got my work permit extension. 5 years. Need to renew my visa now. That should take a day. Not sure how long I'm going to be here.

We'll see how it goes.

Have a good weekend!

ps: I miss TD......

I'm here

TD called last night upon knowing the ‘issue’. At the end of our conversation, I thanked him for calling. “There is nothing to thank for. I’m here, ok?”.

I hope his trip goes well.

We'll do it all

every thing on our own
we don't need
anything or anyone

if i lay here, if i just lay here,
would you lie with me, and just forget the world

i don't quite know
how to say how i feel
those three words are said too much
they're not enough

if i lay here, if i just lay here,
would you lie with me, and just forget the world

forget what we're told
before we get too old
show me a garden
thats bursting into life

let's waste time chasing cars
around our heads
i need your grace
to remind me to find my own

if i lay here, if i just lay here,
would you lie with me, and just forget the world

forget what we're told
before we get too old
show me a garden thats bursting into life

all that i am
all that i ever was
its here in your perfect eyes
they're all i can see
i don't know where
confused about how as well
just know that these things
will never change for us at all

if i lay here, if i just lay here,
would you lie with me, and just forget the world

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars (acoustic)

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Learn to live..

Things didn’t go too well today. Family issues. Luckily my bosses didn’t bother me much (I was on the phone for 2-3 times, trying to resolve the issues).

The strangest thing was, I didn’t feel much troubled compare to before. I mean, each time any family issue arises, I do get stressed out. Today, I was calmer. I think I handled it ok (for one party, I need to reach out and explain to the other party).

Of course, I wrote an email to TD, explaining how I felt with the whole issue.

It reminds me of this last scene in CSI Miami last Tuesday.

The girl said, for the past few years, she was trying hard not to die (she has cancer, thus all the treatment etc). In her effort to do so, she forgot to live.

I remember how my life was last year. I was emotionally drained, trying to figure out what went wrong with my marriage and how to make things work. At one point, I cried day and night, for almost 2 weeks. I lost my soul…

But this year, my life has changed so much, even I could spot it through my daughter’s eyes. One day, while re-arranging our stuffs, I saw her old pictures. I looked at her picture taken middle of last year and compared to the pictures taken recently. When I looked into her eyes, I could see the sadness in the picture taken last year. The pictures taken this year, her eyes glowed….

Despite how many issues you encounter in life, take a step back and breath… learn to live….and life isn’t so bad after all…

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Phone call

I was pretty tied down with work today and decided to call TD (stress reliever. Hehhe).

He’s been working late these days. I told him that he might as well camp at office. :P Oh well, he’s going back this Friday to attend his brother’s wedding. I wanted to follow but he said he’s going to rush from one place to another. It’s another 3 hours drive from the airport, on top of 3 hours of flight. But he’s coming back on Monday.

“Do you want anything from ‘City’?”

Actually, I wanted to tell him that the only thing I want is his time (and him of course but that’s also a wishful thinking). I finally said to get me anything, if he has time to do any shopping. He said he will cos he will arrive at his city on Monday morning and his flight is late afternoon.

Sigh… now I miss him. I just need to bear for a week.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Something good going...

My friend said this to me, “you’ve got something good going now. Don’t spoil the mood.”

He has a point. I mean, I shouldn’t let this melancholic feeling take over my day. Most importantly, I don’t want this feeling to affect the people around me.

And that crazy guy has also made me fall for this song. It’s an oldie. Kind of make me think of TD too. Yes dear, I understood what you meant by ‘something good’.

Enjoy the song!

Al Green Let's Stay Together

A daughter's love

My daughter's words last night, before she went to bed,

"Mummy, u are a good mom. I love u".

It made me cry. I hide away the tears. Knowing her, she feels sad when she sees me cry.

She is an angel.... I love u too baby.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Thank you...

I’m feeling melancholic today.

My friends have been very supportive throughout the difficult times in my life. No words could express how much I appreciate their encouragement, their faith in me, their hopes for the best thing in life for me and the little one.

As much as I try to be strong, I crumble sometimes.

I wish I could make things easier for my girl. I wish I could tell her things will be the same between me and her father. I wish that he was still the same person whom we used to know.

But it is only wishful thinking.

My friends keep saying, it wasn’t me that led the changes. Maybe who he is now is the real person. Me and the little one was just a constraint for him to lead the life he always wanted...his true colours.

I have to be strong. I am blessed for having people who care a lot for me and my girl. I should be enjoying each day as it comes, especially with someone who is willing to share his life with me and the little one. For that, I am thankful.

Thank you for:
- being there when I needed someone to listen,
- being a shoulder to cry on,
- lifting me up when I was down,
- making me smile when I was sad,
- bringing me medicine and food for the little one when I fell ill and incapable of doing anything,
- accepting me for who I am, my weakness and strength.
- seeing us after spending 4 hours on a day-trip travelling,
- finding us the best chocolate cake in town, even if it was out of your way simply because you know we love them.

I don’t know what lies for us in future but I appreciate the time that we have spent so far.

Thursday, November 16, 2006


The sight of a man with a bouquet of flowers. I was speechless.

You see, I hardly receive flowers. I remember once I told 'the ex' that women love to be pampered and receive flowers, he told me off. Since then, I never asked anything from him.

Last night, TD came all the way from another city. He had a meeting there, a day trip. Journey would have taken him 4 hours in total (minimum). Yet he came to see whether me and the little one was doing ok (remember being sick part).

When someone puts aside his time for us, despite his hectic schedule, it really means a lot. The fact how tired he was, with the travelling and the meeting, yet managed to drop by at my place, after a pit-stop to get some flowers, really touched me.

I'm being swept away.......

This is how I feel:

For once in my life
Ive got someone who needs me
Someone Ive needed so long
For once unafraid I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know Ill be strong

For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of
Long before I knew
Someone warm like you
Could make my dreams come true

For once in my life I wont let sorrow hurt me
Not like its hurt me before
For once Ive got someone I know wont desert me
And Im not alone anymore
For once I can say: this is mine you cant take it
As long as Ive got love I know I can make it
For once in my life Ive got someone who needs me

michael buble and fiorello

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


I need a hug!!!
Well, from a man of course. I get hugs all the time from my angel. She simply loves snuggling with me.
But right now, I really need a hug from that special someone. Being sick makes you a bit emotional. I dont normally ask anything from TD but at the moment, it'd be nice to spend time with him. If only he knows a spell to split his time between work, his masters and me (like Hermione in her second or third year, having loads of classes to attend).
For now, I'm settling with a hug from princess.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Flying fairies

Third day being sick.

I finally decided to give myself a break. Called my director, said I’m unwell. Went to see the doc. She gave me antibiotics and MC for today. I know I cant possibly sleep. Might as well fill up my blog.

When I went back a few months ago, I asked my little bro to compile some malay songs. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to listen to it until today. He knows the type of songs that I’d like to hear. He also has good fashion sense. I love shopping with my bro!

Ok. So things like that make me miss home. I have nothing against going back. But I’m tired meeting people’s expectation. Life is so simple here. Maybe because I only focus on how to make my life with the little one better.

Why people like to make things difficult? Why people like to make things hard on others? Why people can be so selfish?

Daddy was complaining about some things. I told him, I will try to remember to do that on the little one, among other things I have to remember. I have been raising her since she was born, 90% by myself, trying my best to be a good mom. Why do people love to comment or criticise? Why cant they see beyond the picture?

Why cant they feel and proud that I managed to pursue my chartered profession while raising a baby (with an absent husband) and working 60-80 hours a week? Why cant they appreciate I got myself a good job with a big firm in a big city (despite being a single parent)?

Things like these make me nuts to go back. Hell! Never mind. People will continue with their way. I cant stop them from criticising and complaining. I know whatever I say, it will fall on deaf ears. No one listens nor help. So why bother? I’ll be wasting my energy. I should focus my mind on happy thoughts like planning that Disneyland trip with the little one. She said, ‘we can see fairies flying at Disneyland, mummy’. Hmmm, I cant seem to make her think otherwise.

So for now, I believe there are fairies flying in Disneyland! Keep things simple yeah!

Thursday, November 09, 2006


I lost my report!!!! Sigh. Luckily it was only a few slides but I have to re-write the whole stuffs again. Plus, I'm not feeling very well. TD called and I missed it (not on purpose). I told him that I think I have fever. Got to go back to office for confirmation on my rating. Couldnt be bothered since I just joined. Heard that I'm entitled for salary increment. :D Good huh? And I've only been with the firm for 5 months or so.
Also found out that my client (who is in his early 30s ) gets €200k++ per annum in remuneration!!! I must be in the wrong profession.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

An old friend

I received an email from an old friend. She’s expecting her first child. I’m very happy for her. I’m sure she’s counting the days (like I did).

My friend thought that I’m planning to go back to be on track on my career path, “Knowing how strong and ambitious you are, I'm sure you'll do well in yourcareer no matter whatever your decision is!!! That is something that is very admirable about Ms X I've known for 16 years.”

Hmmm, has it been that long ie our friendship? Time sure flies. Part of her statement was right. I am ambitious. I don’t believe I cant achieve my goals. It’s whether how much I want it.

You see, now, my career progress is a bit slow (compare to what I used to). Yet, I also realise how much I miss the little stuffs. Reading a book before her bedtime, making roti canai over the weekend, experimenting food etc.

So I guess, at the moment, I have the best of both worlds. I have time for my girl and a good career. It may not be a great job but it’s still a good one. It’s enough to cover our 2 bedroom apartment in central London, her nanny, our shopping, our holidays (we’ve travelled 4 times this year!).

Of course, deep inside I wish I have someone apart from a 5 year old kid to share my life with. A companion. Someone to share my thoughts, my feelings, my fears, my achievement etc.

I think I have found that someone. But maybe I’m scared of being hurt again. Maybe that’s why it’s still hard for me to open up.

It takes time to heal the pain, to trust, to love and be loved…

Friday, November 03, 2006

In darkness, you shall find light

TD has always made me feel safe, that everything will be fine. His words have always calmed me. Despite his hectic schedule, he makes time for us, he takes time to listen.

He told me not to be hard on the little one. I know. Sometimes I think I’m too hard on her. I just don’t want her to be disappointed. I just want to be a responsible mother.

Maybe I’m being protective. I don’t want her to get hurt when people fail to meet her expectations.

Sometimes I have to be strict on her, often on solid grounds why I have to do so. But it hurts me back when I see her sad. Because each time I try to impose rules or restrictions, there is no one to console her. In a typical family, you have a disciplinary and a consoler. When a parent scolds the kids, the other parent will be the ‘good cop’. She doesn’t and I have to live with the guilt.

She knows why sometimes I have to be strict. I always explain to her why I was upset. For example, you need to learn to share things with your friends (even when they don’t), don’t push boys for no reason (only do that when it is necessary. Hehhehe), don’t waste your food (because some people don’t even have food on their plate).

I may pamper my girl like a princess but she must always remember to be humble. Despite raising her by myself, we are fortunate that I’m able to provide good things for her. Some single parents are not so lucky.

Each night, I spend some time with the little one chatting how our day went by. I’m open to her and we talk almost everything. From her crush on boys to finding a prince for me. Hmmm, I wish it was that easy ie shop for a prince. If only you can buy them in stores, selecting which qualities you want them to have.

I’m enjoying this journey, one step at a time.

Have a good weekend!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006


Daddy has left.

Last night, me and the little one had a heart-to-heart talk, about life, our home, our hopes. Funny that it’s easier to talk to a five year old kid than to an adult.

I ask for her forgiveness. For being here, for not going back. I told her, there is no guarantee that life will be better for me and her if we go back. There is no guarantee that we will be taken care of.

People back home miss her. But at the end of the day, the responsibility of taking care of her will fall on me. I remember the times we struggled, when she was sick and I drove her in the middle of the night to see the doctor, or when I was hospitalised, the constant ringing on the phone when I left her for a few hours at the grand-parents place (with my maid) when I had to study for my exam, the times that I woke her up in the middle of the night to spend some time with her because I was working late.

Never again will I go through that phase. Never again will I allow people criticise the way I raise my girl. Never again will I allow guilt for leaving my girl in their hands, even if it’s meant for a good cause.

If they miss her, where are the phone calls? Where are the birthday wishes? Why complain when she’s left at your care? Don’t give excuses. Try to be there when they need one the most.

Family is important. It hurts when you are surrounded by people who should be caring for you but they don’t bother. At least by being away, I have excuses why they don’t seem to care. At least by being away, we stop having expectations.

I learn that love and care comes from the unexpected. A simple act of kindness always brightens your day. When you stop hoping and having expectations, any gestures will make your day.

We are happier here. Home is where we have each other, me and the little one.
Mungkin bila nanti

Saatnya ku berkata mungkin yang terakhir kalinya
Sudahlah lepaskan semua kuyakin inilah waktunya
Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua disini

Dan bila hatimu termenung bangun dari mimpi2mu
Membuka hatimu yang dulu cerita saat bersamaku
Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua disini

Tak usah kau tanyakan lagi simpan untukmu sendiri
Semua sesal yang kau cari semua rasa yang kau beri

Friday, October 27, 2006

Mask for every occasions

We had a blast this Eid. Friends came over, in three batches! We didn’t go out on the first day except to Malaysia Hall for prayers and followed a friend to Mawar restaurant for their open house. Food was good (according to guests). I had to make another round of pulut kuning. The little one loves it a lot. I think she ate most of it.

Do you sometimes wonder how people can lead two different lives? Like wearing different masks on different occasions.

I believe things happened for a reason. Like landing a career in London when I was the least to leave the country, filing for my divorce and going through it without the support from my family.

I believe God gave me a better life by coming here…

Despite how close the little is with her father, the reality is, he will continue back with his lifestyle once he goes back. At the moment, he has time for her. Once he’s back to his routine, the little one will feel neglected. As for me, I can’t accept his way of life. I may not be religious, but there are limitations on things that I can handle. I can’t handle knowing what he does, and knowing he will not change.

Strange… you think you know a person after being with them for so long. Honestly, people are prone to changes. Some may resist and continue to be the same old person. I believe I have changed, though there are certain aspects of me that are still the same. I only have one watch which I bought 10 years ago. I don’t have any branded stuffs. I only shop in three stores: Zara, Gap and Espirit (simply because it’s hard to find my size and suitable designs).

I’m counting my blessings. A daughter who adores me and vice versa, friends who continue supporting me in every way they can, that special someone who believes things will be better for me and the little one.

Have a nice weekend!

When two is better than one

I find this article touching. Enjoy reading!

A recent poll in a Turkish newspaper included an eye-catching statistic. A substantial majority of the population, 63%, thought it perfectly acceptable for a man to have more than one wife. Although polygamy itself is relatively scarce in the modern population it still exists, primarily in the ethnicallly Kurdish section of the population and amongst some older ethnically Turkish couples. My neighbours at the first house I occupied upon moving here were polygamous, Ali Osman Kaya was living with Hadiye and Bedriye and had been since 1956. Their story was moving but I am sure not unique.
Ali Osman Kaya, now 82, was born in the year that Turkey became a republic and two years before Mustafa Kemal Ataturk outlawed multiple marriages. A good citizen of the new country, he completed his military service on the Greek border during the Second World War and returned honourably to his village ready to marry his sweetheart Hadiye. He was 24, she was 22 and she had waited for his homecoming for four years . Ali Osman sold most of the flocks he had been given by his father and together they moved from Ekincik to the village of Çandır where he bought 40 donums of overgrown uncultivtated land. The young couple set about the back breaking work of clearing the land, uprooting scrub and trees, using donkeys to till the earth and planting the citrus and olive trees that were to ensure their economic survival. Hadiye tended to the sheep and goats with a passion, livestock are still amongst her greatest pleasures today when at the age of 80 she is still herds their small flock up and down the mountain.
The farm prospered, they got chickens, ducks, a few cows, a couple of dogs and Ali Osman rode a horse when he had to travel to and from the village. Their home was not luxurious but it was comfortable and they had won the friendship and admiration of their fellow villagers with their hard work and cheerful manners. The only thing that was missing was a child. No matter how often they tried, despite the endless folk remedies suggested to Hadiye she never fell pregnant. They appealed to Ali Osman’s brother to give him one of his sons to rear as their own but he refused. For 15 years they stayed together in their childless marriage until at the age of 37 Hadiye accepted that she was now too old to ever have children. Unable to deny Ali Osman the sons he coveted she suggested that he divorce her and take another wife. She said goodbye to the farm and moved alone to a smaller house in the village. Ali Osman married again and the marriage swiftly failed, he divorced wife 2 and then took 16 year old Bedriye as his third wife. Within months she was settled in well on the farm and was pregnant with their first child.
When the baby girl was born everyone was overjoyed except Bedriye, she was unable to shrug off a nagging sense of guilt she had had since moving in with Ali Osman.With a child successfully delivered she was now secure as his wife and able to make an audacious move that no-one expected of a 17 year old young woman with a new baby. Bedriye went into the village and found 39 year old Hadiye in her pitiful small house and confessed to her the feelings she had kept bottled up inside. Hadiye listened in disbelief as the teenager explained that she felt that it was not fair that after 15 years working on the farm and being wife to Ali Osman that Hadiye should be living alone in straitened circumstances. She almost dropped her knitting when Bedriye asked her to return and live with her and Ali Osman, Bedriye’s only proviso was that there was to be no jealousy but peaceful family relations and to this day Bedriye repectfully calls Hadiye ‘aba’ the word used to indicate respect for an older sister or female relative.
To my knowledge the situation between the three of them has always been calm, Bedriye went on to have 4 more children, two more girls and two boys and all 5 children refer to both women as mum. They shared the chores and field work between them, Bedriye tended to the home, washing and cooking and looking after guests and Hadiye looked after the animals, shearing them, milking them and herding them. Bedriye had her own bedroom, always a light sleeper, she was unable to tolerate Ali Osman’s snoring every night and Hadiye and Ali Osman shared a room but not a bed. In the winter the three of them often share the heat of one room together. They are living proof that women can share a marriage and that polygamy is not always the male led enterprise it is made out to be.
Polygamy is thus encouraged in certain situations where there is a problem within an existing marriage. The problem must be perceived to be legitimate for example, as with Hadiye and Bedriye, if the first wife isn't able to provide children. She may not necessarily want to be divorced from her husband and she would like to be part of a family, in cases like these first wives may actually encourage their husbands to get married again and find a wife for him that she thinks would be suitable. The first wife has an important say in the matter as she is considered to best understand the husband and know his personality and she also chooses somebody that she feels personally she will get along with. The second wife has the children but both wives would take turns in looking after them. In the UK’s muslim community arrangements such as these exist and allow second wives to maintain a career or a profession and the arrangement can work out very nicely if it has been carefully discussed and structured.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Selamat Hari Raya

Syawal kunjung tiba..

Somehow, this raya feels more cheerful than previous years. I’m hosting open house. Menu will be chicken rendang, nasi himpit/ compressed rice cakes, satay sauce, pulut kuning/ glutinous or sticky rice.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. The three of us will head to China Town to get the ingredients. Good that Daddy is here so that he can carry the stuffs. Need to go the market too. Feel like having grilled fish for iftar tomorrow.

Tonight, we shall have iftar at Holiday Villa. Hopefully the food is good.

I wish you Selamat Hari Raya, Happy Eidul Fitri, Ramazan Bayram.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Daddy is coming!

Daddy will arrive tomorrow.

The little one is excited! She even puts aside her favourite cheese (it’s the last piece) so that her daddy gets to eat it when he arrives. She’s so sweet! That’s one thing about her that truly amazes me. Her thoughtfulness. She always thinks about others. Something we adult sometimes lack off.

I can never hate my ex. How could I when he has given me the most wonderful gift of all? I know some friends will find it odd that he is coming to spend raya with us (one friend even called to confirm his arrival). But I’m sure he misses his daughter (in his own way). I’m sure despite being surrounded by beautiful girls and other distractions, it can never beat the feeling of being with the little one.

We have grown so much apart over the last 2 years, especially for the past one year. I truly feel that he’s a stranger. Maybe that’s why when the ‘get-together’ dilemma pops up, I know I can’t do it. I know somehow I can never live with this man again. I just wish I’m ready to go back home so that the little one gets to spend more time with him.

But again, it takes two people to make it work. There is no point of going back when he has limited time for the little one.

Anyway, I promised myself to have a good time this raya. Odd or not, I’m inviting friends for open house, with his presence. I even have a special request to have petai in the menu. Who serves petai on hari raya?!?!? Guess I’ll be the first.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Wishful thinking

Tonight we’re having iftar outside. Thought of going to Holiday Villa but heard it’ll be packed with politicians and politicians-wannabe. We might head to elsewhere.

Last night, I realised that if anything happens to me, what will happen to the little one? I mean, there are times that I feel her father will be the last to know about her whereabouts. He doesn’t call nor email to ask about her. It has always been me. If one day I stop calling, will he call? Will he know what happened to us? Most importantly, will he know the welfare of the little one should something happen to me?

Being a single parent, you can’t afford to make mistakes at work. You know how important your job is, to provide for your dependants. You can’t screw up. You constantly worry whether you did the right report or provided the right analysis. You worry about the bills and whether we have sufficient funds during rainy days. You always look at the clock to ensure all your timing is right, from making her packed lunch to arriving to work on time and be home at a reasonable hour to tuck her to bed.

I wish one day I can wake up without worrying, that everything will be fine.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Ayam Masak Lemak

Last weekend, I hosted iftar (on both nights). Saturday was meant for my ex-colleagues whilst Sunday, for close friends of my friend. My friend and his family has left for good on Monday after two years on secondment. They spent 4 nights at my place. It was really nice to have them around. There were 3 kids in the house, so you could imagine how cheerful my place was.

Anyway, I made Ayam masak lemak, udang goreng cili and sambal bilis petai on Saturday. Heaven! How I miss sambal bilis petai. On Sunday, just made sambal tumis sotong and fried sea bass (sort of our ikan siakap). Accompanied with sweet soy sauce and sliced chilli. My kid was totally spoilt. I dont cook a lot nowdays. On weekdays, my nanny will do the cooking. Weekends, if we dont have guests, I'd prefer to eat out. It's only me and her. But I try to cook if I miss certain food.

I wish my friend and his family best of luck and a new beginning at home. They have been there for me during the good and bad times. No words could describe how much I appreciate their thoughts and help.

Good bye dear friends...

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The opportunity of being selfish

I saw this from someone's blog. That's a reason why I dont own Gucci. Have fun reading!

I'm waiting for the movers to come and pack my stuff, and on tv, there's this chat show discussing Australia's current low birth rates and why people are putting off having babies. The audience who join the discussion are made up of a mix of professionals (demographers, fertility experts, activists etc.) and the average persons. One after another they cited their reasons for not having babies. Mostly it is about that checklist of personal accomplishments and things to do which people want for themselves. Finances, resources and all that lot are secondary to 'what I want for myself first'. One woman cited her hatred for children. Several experts pointed out that the developed world has moved away from a family-oriented focus to a individualistic, materialistic one. One of them spoke of how in 'the good old days' popular tv shows were the likes of The Brady Bunch and later The Cosby Show, whereas in these modern times, it's Friends, Sex and the City, and Will and Grace. The two he could think of that had 'families' were Desperate Housewives and Everybody Loves Raymond, but how many people can actually remember the children's names from these series? On the other hand, I still remember Rudy, Theo, Denise, Vanessa and Sandra Huxtable.
Over and over again, the audience in this talk show admitted to being selfish when it comes to what they want in life. They are living the good life, why mess it up with children?
Then, one young lady who is a mother of three at the age of 24, was asked her point of view. She was not a professional, she told her story about having a young mother and loving the idea of being one herself and has no regrets. She said that now that she has had her three children, she is now juggling some goals for herself - a part-time job and full-time schooling. What she said next made me respect her so much, mostly because she stood up and spoke out to the many high-flying career people around her. She said, because she had her children so young, she was never at a living standard that was so high that she had to 'come down to' a level where it feels like a sacrifice. She said, (and I love this), I never had the opportunity to be selfish. What I love more was how she said that with confidence, and how as the audience applauded her, her husband's arm came up around her offering support and a show of pride.

Birth date

Your Birthdate: January 10
Independent and dominant, you tend to be the alpha dog in most situations.You're very confident, and hardly anything ever shakes you.Mundane tasks tend to drain you - you prefer to be making great plans.You are quite original. When people don't "get" you, it bothers you a lot.
Your strength: Your ability to gain respect
Your weakness: Caring too much what others think
Your power color: Orange-red
Your power symbol: Letter X
Your power month: October
What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Quite true...

Friday, October 06, 2006

Missing nasi lemak kerang..


Well, not that I have anything to do to begin with. :D

I have dinner with my ex-colleagues from my old firm back home. It’s a treat from one of them for his promotion and farewell dinner for another friend as he’s going back for good.

Got an iftar invitation for tomorrow in Surrey. Not sure whether I’m going or not. I need a car. Well, not really but when you have friends living miles away or it’s quite a hassle to use the public transport, then it just feels nice to have one. I’m trying to save money, hoping I might buy a property. I need to decide where, here or KL. Once I make my choice, then I guess that will be my home.

There are things that I love about here but there are also things that I miss back home. The nasi lemak kerang, mee goreng mamak, teh tarik, lepaking at mamak, etc etc. I’m really a simple person. Not that I don’t like going to fancy places or use designer brands. It is just not me. A Gucci bag is just a fraction of my salary but I don’t even have one. I can’t remember how many times my friends have tried to get me into buying stuffs. But I don’t mind splurging on my little one. She usually gets the best of everything, within my means of course.

Unless they suddenly open a mamak here, serving mee goreng and nasi lemak kerang, maybe it’s a good thing to stay here permanently.

Have a nice weekend!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Which city do u belong to?

You Belong in Rome

You're a big city girl with a small town heart Which is why you're attracted to the romance of Rome. Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand And gorgeous Italian men - could life get any better?

What City Do You Belong In?
Hmm, interesting. Truly describe me.

Monday, October 02, 2006

3rd day jobless

I'm unassigned today. Sigh! It's my third day so far. My friends have warned me that my new job will potentially have very 'off-peak' period. I'm experiencing it now.

I'm fully aware that not everyday people decide to go listing or sell or buy companies. But being me, I cant stand being unassigned. Saw one of my colleagues today. Cute boyish look, messy hair, nice accent (he's from Jersey). He joined almost the same time like I did. He said he had that for a few weeks. He's thankful that they got him booked on an assignment.

My time cost is almost double compare to old job. It's £320 per hour! Thats £2.4 k per day and it's my 3rd day. This firm really makes money with the amount they charge. Not that I'm reaping the benefits. I'm sure the precentage of my salary over the charge-out rate is small. It goes to the BIG FISH. Hopefully one day I get to be one of the BIG FISH. hehhehe... no harm dreaming yeah.

On another note, TD will start his Master today. I really dont know how he juggles his time. Being one of the BIG FISH with hectic work schedule and now attending classes 2-3 times a week. Plus, he tries his best to make time for me and the little one. He's something...

Hmmm, maybe me being unassigned gives me time to fill this blog.....?

Leaving now..

Ramadan day 9

TD came for dinner last night. Haven’t seen him for a month! He was away for 2 weeks on holiday and before that, he was rushing out for report. Accountant + accountant = limited time. Still, we try to meet up and spend some time together. Yesterday was really nice. He just got back the day before and decided to meet us.

The little one was excited. She put away her things, rearranged the living room. She also helped out to set the table. TD was so impressed!!! Oh yeah, TD got her a jersey from his home country. She loves it! While I prepared dinner, she asked TD to do some drawings. Pity her that she has me as a mom who couldn’t even draw a circle! TD has a flare with arts. Had he not become an accountant, he’d be an architect. No wonder my kid loves him dearly.

Anyway, I made mee bandung. Wasn’t sure TD was up to it. Bought some curry puffs too. He bought desserts but we didn’t manage to eat them. Ramadan…you feel like eating everything but truth is, a decent meal will do.

The whole dinner made us happy, the three of us. Something so simple but gives so much. The act of togetherness, a family. Something we longed for.
Hope your Ramadan is as meaningful as mine.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Life after divorce

For the past two days, I’ve been calling my ex. Don’t know why. Maybe I just miss talking to him. Sometimes I wonder whether you ever get over with someone who used to be a part of your life. I guess it’s hard, especially in my case. Being in a foreign land, with families and friends miles apart.

This year is the first year I’m celebrating raya as a single mom. I mean, officially as a single mom. I realised about my zakat ie who has to pay for it. Today, he asked about it. My reply was, I could ask my father to pay for it. So guess he just has to pay for the little one.

It did occur to me that if I go back home, there is possibility that I may reconcile with my ex. My friends would kill me if I ever suggest the idea, knowing what I’ve been through. Being me, my daughter comes first. Despite having men knocking the door, if she doesn’t like them or the situation will create complications, I rather stay single.

Men on the other hand, they have the opportunity to do whatever they want. I mean, like my ex, he doesn’t take care of her. Even his house resembles a bachelor’s pad. There is no clue that he used to be married or a father of one. He goes out with anyone he likes, without thinking whether this woman could be the potential step-mother to his daughter. Men just take the risk, without thinking of the consequences.

My best friend said, I have taken into account all risk when I filed for divorce. I stayed married for her sake and it didn’t help me. I was miserable, unhappy and emotionally drained. I felt my soul was being sucked away. She was right. I am feeling better and more positive about myself. I could see my daughter is happy too. Just that, once in a while, you feel that there is no life after divorce, especially when you have children. You want to be with someone but chances are small.

My best friend also reminded me that I’m still young (not sure under which dictionary), and kids or no kids, men will look beyond those factors. The right guy will come at the right time. Sometimes, they come at a wrong time and once again, you are stuck in a limbo.

Like my daughter keeps saying, ‘your prince is out there, mummy…’.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

1st day of Ramadhan

This is our third year of Ramadhan in London. Last night, I took her to Malaysia Hall. It was her first time experiencing terawih prayers. All these while, I performed the prayers at home. Now she is big enough to follow. She just prayed Isya and told me she was already tired. So while I was performing terawih, she sat with the rest of the kids.

When we were done, I asked her how she felt about terawih. She really enjoyed herself! It's the atmosphere. You feel like you are close to home. She gets to see the 'kakaks', 'makciks' and 'neneks'. She had a taste of 'moreh', a simple meal served to people after the prayers.

Personally, I'm happy that she had this experience. Sometimes being away makes us want to be closer to home. Someone told me that home is the best place to raise kids so that they know their root. But that doesnt mean when you are away, you are less muslim or Malaysian. My kid is exposed to praying, fasting, quran reading (the ustaz conducts class every friday) as well as eating nasi lemak, roti canai, 'teh tarik', etc etc.

In my life, I have seen people back home who dont even hold Malaysian or Muslim values. And some people who reside overseas are more Malaysian or Muslim. At the end of the day, it's what you want.. what matters most..

On Bended Knee

Boyz II Men

One of my favorite songs...

Darlin' I can't explain
Where did we lose our way
Girl it's drivin' me insane
And I know I just need one more chance
To prove my love to you
If you come back to me
I'll gurantee
That I'll never let you go

Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
They way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee

So many nights I dream of you
Holding my pillow tight
I know I don't need to be alone
When I open up my eyes
To face reality
Every moment without you
It seems like eternity
I'm begging you, begging you come back to me

Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
They way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee

Baby, I'm sorry Please forgive me for all the wrong I've done
Please come back home girl I know you put all your trust in me
I'm sorry I let you down Please forgive me
Gonna swallow my pride Say I'm sorry
Stop pointing fingers the blame is on me I want a new life
And I want it with you If you feel the same Don't ever let it go
You gotta believe in the spirt of love It'll heal all things
We won't hurt anymore No I don't believe our love's terminal
I'm down on my knees begging you please
Come home

Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
They way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended, down on bended knee
Can we go back to the days our love was strong
(Wanna build a new life)
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
(Just you and me, Gonna make you my wife Raise a family)
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
They way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee

Friday, September 22, 2006

School bell

We were late today! Not exactly late LATE, but late enough for both of us. We arrived after the first bell but before the second bell (second bell is exactly at 9am). Her class-mates were about to enter the classroom. Still, we did the same routine ie hugs, kisses and blowing+catching flying kisses. :D That's our routine. Other moms notice it as well. They think we are really close.

Also, I had a meeting with the Students' Officer. Just a short meeting to ask about my girl, how is she coping, what help do I need ie after-school care, etc etc. One thing I love being here is the range of support available. They show concerns on child's development, something which is still lacking back home. The other day I read the local newspaper, about government teachers' reluctance on teaching beyond what is requred and students should rely on private tuition. Thats a bizarre!!!! I might as well send my kid to private school when I go back. Here, I dont have to pay a single cent on education and still my girl gets all she needs. In fact, after my meeting with the Students' Officer, I had another meeting with her school teacher. Ms C said that my girl knows her alphabets very well. She's quite on top of her class. :-) That's my girl! Ms C said that next friday onwards, they have homework. So I need to make sure she completes them by the following friday.

I'm inviting friends for lunch tomorrow, just before Ramadhan. Making Malaysian dishes. I've asked a friend to bring her sambal belachan. Yummy! My girl is pretty excited. Our first time hosting a party in our new home.

Have a nice weekend!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Appraisals time!

I received an email from my Appraiser’s secretary. She reminded us to book the Director’s time for the year end performance review. Not that it really matters to me since I just joined the firm about 3 months ago. Nevertheless, a new joiner like me can’t run away from the paperwork process.

So far, I don’t have any complaints with this new firm. They (i.e. management) have been very accommodating with my position as a single-parent. At one point, I asked my Director to give some indication when is the ‘peak’ period of our project coz I just want to arrange my nanny to stay overnight during those times. He just laughed! Apparently in our industry, projects never seem to be on track (it’s not that easy to finalise 5-10 years projections). We are already 4 weeks behind schedule, mainly because our client was unable to finalise their figures. So for the time being and until further notice, he told me to do my usual routines i.e. leave by 7pm and continue my work from home (if necessary).

Frankly, I couldn’t be bothered with this review process. It is so unlike me to feel this way. Two years ago, I was very career-driven. I mapped my way in order to get partnership. Had I stayed back home, I could have been a partner before I reach 35 (if I count correctly, I’d be 33, fast track).

But now, guess I mellowed down. I tend to take a more relaxing approach. I still work hard but not like before (60-80 hours per week). I’m restricting myself to 9 to 7pm routine and just one day in the weekends.

Of course deep inside I would love to have a nice career mapped in front of me. At the moment, I’m getting reasonably enough to afford a nice house in a nice centrally-located area in London, a good nanny for my kid, and enough shopping money for both of us. :P Girls will always be girls!! In my case, it’s TWO!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

About men and fathers

Sometimes you think a person has changed for the better or at least learnt from past events. But each time I feel so, something will come up to say or prove otherwise.

Being separated doesn't mean you have to be enemies. I try hard to ensure my kid knows that her father loves her dearly and she will always be his number one Princess. But you reach to a point that it takes that person to make the effort to show some care or attention, and not just you alone. I call her father at least once a week so that she could talk to him. At times, she will ask why her father doesn't call her and you just get tired making up excuses. And today, I smsed him, telling that she was sick and asked him to call and talk to her. It didn't surprise me that he asked for the house number again.

I gave our new address and contact details right after we moved. It was hardly a month ago! It just annoys me that here is a man who is so preoccupied with his life to even take note on his daughter whereabouts or welfare. He is too absorbed in making himself look good, spends his money on decorating his apartment or as he says it in his 'classified', 'my kingdom of leisure', bought a brand new car with fancy sport rims, and now, he is too busy taking pictures of himself, just like a model. He just loves himself too much.

I don't expect him to be a better man. Of course, deep inside you will always have this hope that the person who used to be part of your life will change. It's just typical to feel that way. Yet thinking what I went through, I realise that I'm better off without him, emotionally. And I think is about time I make myself accept that my girl is also better off without him.

We have survived so far without him by our side. I have raised her by myself, physically, emotionally and financially for the last two years. In fact, like my friends said, I was already a single parent when she was born. The only difference was he contributed some of the expenses during the first four years of our marriage. Now, I have to ask for nafkah or child support which is minimal compare to what he earns. What is £100 per month against £20k worth of car?

Letting go is always hard. Guess it is about time for me and my girl to move on.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Lovely Sunday

It's a lovely day! My baby has been asking me to go out but I keep giving excuses. Past few weeks, I just love resting at home. We just moved into this place. Nice and cosy. Very close to our fav places. Strategically located near Kensington Gardens, Whiteleys shopping mall, Malaysia Hall and Nahar cafe, and most importantly, her best friend's home. Only 5 mins walk. I'm sure she would love a trip to the park today. We'll see. I wanted to review my report today. One thing I love about my job is that I get to spend more time with my little angel (compare to my working days back home). So some of the stuffs I could do it at home, usually it's after 9pm (she sleeps by 830pm) or during the weekend. Of course, some negotiation is involved ie working on a nice day like this. Need to bribe her with something like shopping or playing at the park. So far, her demands have been reasonable.

I better get myself ready before she nags. I think 'Mummy Returns' might do the trick while I get changed. It's on tv and dont think she watched it before. She's tempted to blog but I think I'll let her learn to write and spell first. That reminds me, she asked for a 'computer' the other day. Hmmm, kids nowdays...