What doesn't kill you

Something to remind myself. Of late, I am beginning to realise that people have different reactions to the changes in my life. Perhaps it is a good sign, to filter those who deserve you most. So to the handful who are still dear to my heart, I hope our bonds remain strong.

Tomorrow the young lady has her final interview and I am sure she will try her best. In a week's time we will be heading home to our loved ones, a much needed break which the young lady and I look forward to.

of Harry Potter

Last night while doing some research, I found an interesting fact about a school which she applied for. One of the characters in Harry Potter went to that institution. She got so excited and claimed that it'd be her dream school.

And so today when I got home, there was the much anticipated letter which had her exam results. The young lady passed the entrance test and got invited for an interview.

It doesnt matter if she gets accepted or not. All I know is that by passing the exam (these are really hard papers), she has demonstrated that she has achieved a level above her peers.

Of course it'd be a bonus if she does well in the interview and get accepted, right? Then she can claim that she goes to the same school as the witch. *winks*

Well done my dear. We are proud of you.

Winter is here

Most of the time I am ok, taking each day as it is, trying to find a glimpse of ray through those grey cloudy skies or changing the tune of the raindrops to a soothing rhythm, so that winter doesn’t feel as cold as it should.

However there are days that I feel at total loss, not knowing what to do or whether I have enough strength to support those who need me. All I want is to hide myself under the duvet and let the dam break, allowing those suppressed emotions flow freely.

Sometimes it only takes a message from someone who appreciates your gesture to keep them in the loop, thinking you are brave and rational to plan things ahead, and that if they were in our shoes they would probably sink than swim, to break you.

It is hard when the person who held your hands and guided you when you were young is now relying on you to be their rock. The roles are now reversed and your mind has to be focussed to keep them going. You have to assess the situation from all angles and give suitable advice, hoping that it would be the best course of action.

Winter is here but the worst is yet to come. When it does, I pray I am ready…

The extended break

I have decided to extend this break until I feel things are more certain. At the moment, I am needed by my loved ones and to put aside my career is a small price to pay. I do not want to wake up one day feeling regretful for not taking this chance to be there for them. I am blessed for having friends who have been giving strong support during this troubled time, some have taken up my role by physically being there for my loved ones. I cant thank them enough and wish the Almighty to repay their kindness.

Most importantly, I am blessed for having a supportive partner and daughter to keep me going.

I had better days

I lost count on the number of times when I had to face or handle challenging situation. So whenever someone asks if I am ok, I prefer to answer, “I had better days.”

Who am I to complain of my circumstance when I know some have far difficult obstacles and my worries are peanuts compare to theirs? I can make the situation worse by whining or moaning and add more misery to this world which has enough depressing stories as it is. Instead of putting another shot of coffee, why not add sugar or mocha and make it less bitter?

For the time being, I am focussing on the things that I am grateful for.

I am thankful that we have a comfortable home in a safe environment.
I am thankful that the young lady still maintains her adorable personality even when I know she can easily step up and be like the rest of her peers who are chic and trendy.
I am thankful that despite of my countless worries which have led to visible wrinkles, I have been mistakenly taken as being in 20s.
I am thankful that my friends have been there for me through thick and thin, despite our crazy ways. I am thankful that I took (calculative) risks which took me to soul-searching journeys.
I am thankful for being given a second chance in love.

So I hope I will remain strong and positive for those who need me now. The list should keep me going and smiling...

*Ms B dedicates this post to her mum whom the young lady inherits her passion for writing.

Diary of a SAHM

It is always assumed that SAHMs have the luxury to do whatever they desire but after taking this position twice in my ‘career’ life, the theory is yet to be proven. While enjoying my leftover chicken rice and waiting for the laundry, I am trying to squeeze a post to my neglected blog.

Our day starts with preparing kids’ packed lunch which varies from making puffs from last night’s meals (so far, lamb stew has been rated excellent by the young lady as the meat is tender and goes well with pastry) to freshly made salad pasta (imagine nasi goreng but rice is substituted with Italian staple). Breakfast usually consists of something warm such as sausages, scrambled eggs or pancakes.

After we drop the kids to school, there is the morning coffee session with other SAHMs or ladies of leisure. I usually take this opportunity to read the daily newspaper and catch-up on the latest issue or gossip for that matter. This can last up to 2 hours depending on the topic of discussion, especially if it’s about politics or economy. Then we’re back to our homes and tend to domestic routine. In my case, I was busy with her school’s needs (the agony of transferring to secondary school, both state and public) which saw me doing lots of research, attending open days and narrowing them down to those that met our requirements. Lately I have been performing pro-bono work reviewing documents for the partner and my dining area has been turned into a mini office. Not forgetting the volunteering role at school and as it is Xmas time, we have loads of activities to do. We have the school fair and performances coming soon.

Later during the day it is time to pick our kids who look forward to a nice tea at home. So far I have been creative, making tuna melt, mini pizza or smoked salmon with bagel. There are days where I’ll get something from M&S bakery (their donuts are so fluffy!). When I am up to it, nasi goreng will be served.

As for dinner, thankfully she’s not fussy but she loves variety. Our oven is highly utilised with a selection of pasta, roast chicken or lamb, baked fish, etc. Stew is another popular dish, best served with garlic bread. Twice a week we’ll have rice on the menu and Sunday is always the day we’ll make traditional malay meal.

In between tea and dinner, it’s time to go through her homework. Well, I’ll watch my Ellen show while she comes to me if she gets stuck. If she’s done with her work, we usually have an extra tutoring session where we’ll discuss complex maths or comprehension.

Just before she goes to bed, we’ll have a chat on school’s stuff (e.g. anyone is giving her a hard time) or girlfriend talk. Somehow, that’s the time when I am mentally alert and able to absorb her stories. The rest of the day I get lost in her bubbly chat no matter how interesting the topic may be.

As for night time, it’s when I indulge myself in guilty pleasures watching sexy vampires or hot agents in action. I see myself getting attracted to Damon each day. He can be a real sweetie…

Somehow being a SAHM I have no reason to decline social obligations, hence coffee and lunch sessions are common. The day just goes by before I know it!

So there are times when I miss working and have the ability to delegate everything. Packed lunch to the hands of the school dinner ladies, homework and house chores to the nannies, reasonable excuses to decline invitation etc.

Right, I better get going as the laundry is calling.

Expectation

It was a heart-breaking scene for me, to see the young lady broke down and expressed her frustration. It was only then that I realised how much pressured she felt all these while.

“My teachers and classmates expect me to do well and I simply couldn’t handle,” came the words out from her mouth.

We were walking back to the station and I stopped halfway to give her the longest hug, oblivious to our surrounding.

It’s good to be recognised as gifted and able but along with it comes responsibility. She knew what it meant to perform well on that day; that her school is capable to produce bright students like her.

Regardless which school she attends, she has demonstrated that she is able to excel. Yet in her case, the reason she has managed to do so is because she feels tests are fun. Since they are done randomly, there is no preparation involved which makes it more exciting (her words, not mine. I feel exams are horrendous).

That night while I tucked her into bed, I told her that it is pointless to be academically strong when you are clueless about life. I want her to be culturally rich, understand and appreciate her religion, able to connect with other people, remember her roots no matter where our journey takes us.

Above all, I want her to cherish her childhood and explore things which might lead to her passion.

I am proud of her achievements and thankful for what she has become. I hope she knows that too….

But if you never try, you’ll never know
Just what you are worth