Away....

Sorry but I'll be away for a bit. I'm not travelling but workload is bad. Luckily I dont have to go to US for this job, simply bcos I dont have the visa. Good excuse!

ps: I am at work and it's SATURDAY!!!! :(

pss: But the boss agreed that I can take time off in 2 weeks time. I booked our trip to Disney Paris. The lil one is very happy!

The one who got away...

I’m a bit down today. Not really sure why. Could be the hormones or the fact that Raja Nazrin is getting married. :) I think it’s the hottest topic among us nowdays. I even called Ms Magistrate in Ipoh to talk about it. Heheh… Women will always be women. When one fine man is taken, we just couldn’t stop talking about it.

Ms Magistrate and I were thinking, how on earth can we be as lucky as Zara?!??!?! Surely there is a chance (even a tiny one) for us to meet our own prince (preferably a royal one like Nazrin).

I think Nazrin found his match. They look good together, and looking at their profile, wow! Perfect match! So I told Ms Magistrate, maybe that’s why it’s hard for us to find our prince. Not many fine men out there. (or maybe we are scaring them away???)

I hope this couple will have lovely days ahead and I’m sure they’ll have beautiful children who will inherit their traits, inside and outside.

Work has been hectic but this week, I had my break. Been leaving by 530pm everyday. Weather is bad. I’m not sure I should proceed with our holiday plans in 3 weeks time. I really hope it gets better. We have a bbq this weekend. Farewell party for a dear friend, who has a very good looking son who always gives his devoted attention to my lil one. I don’t mind if he’s a few months younger than my girl, as long as he is nice to her. Hehehhehe… my friend thinks I’m driving her nuts with this match-making idea. Hey, it’s hard to find reasonable in-laws and I’ve known my friend since high school! She is still the same person, even after 2 kids (and another one coming soon).

Ps: the little one has been reading on her own! She now reads at least a book a day. I’m so proud of her.

pss: Here's a true king! He's celebrating his wedding with villagers and orphans.
http://www.thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2007/5/11/nation/17698391&sec=nation

Sacrifices

"A wise man once said you can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it. What he meant is nothing comes without a price. So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you're willing to lose. Too often, going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right, and letting someone in means abandoning the walls you've spent a lifetime building. Of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming, when we don't have time to come up with a strategy to pick a side or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us and not the other way around, that's when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear."

Tuesday

I am tired. I am stressed. What's worse is that it is only TUESDAY!!!!!

This current project is taking a lot of energy. Not to mention people's request for my involvement in other projects. Both are equally good, one will make me as the lead manager, the other will make me a financial services expert. Both Directors wanted my presence! But I decided to take the FS work as I requested the Director to be involved in his future assignments a few weeks ago.

I need a long weekend! (and a hot bath!)

ps: is it possible to wish for a "McDreamy"? I really could use a good massage. ;-)

Messy home

The little one has been stressed for the past few days. She started tidying up the house and stopped playing. She just refused to play or touch any of her toys. She said she didn’t want the house to be messy. When I coaxed her to play, she actually cried. She stopped playing. The house looked like a bachelor’s place, no sign of a kid living there. As if it lost its soul.

When she is down, she does these odd things. She doesn’t know how to express her anger or sadness. Usually, she does it by doing something differently. This was different. This was odd. This has been happening for the past few days and I was beginning to get worried.

Mum told me to be patient and wait for a few more days. So did the nanny. We all knew pretty well the cause of her sadness.

So yesterday when I got home, God knows how relief I felt when I saw the books and pencils scattered on the table. There she was, playing jigsaw puzzle with the nanny.

My baby is back and I know she is fine. Our house is full of life.

Going back to a messy home….priceless.

Men, people and change

I’m at office today. It’s Saturday by the way. The lil girl suddenly requested for a visit at my work place. So here we are. She’s next to me, doing her colouring while I’m just killing my time browsing the net. I might as well update this blog. I know it’s been a while. I’ve been very busy past weeks, getting a report out.

Let’s talk about men.

I find it really amusing that despite how powerful and intelligent a man is, they can be so brainless when it comes to relationship and love. Seriously. Sometimes, when I’m busy, I’m like a man. I shutdown myself from non-work related. So maybe I reply the sms or emails later than usual, or I don’t pick up phone calls because I’m stuck in a meeting or on the other line with a client. And suddenly, I am the bad guy? Like I committed a big crime? Hehhehe, oh well, maybe now they understand how women feel when they shutdown at us on ‘busy’ purpose. It is just so funny to be getting extra concern and attention, when there is actually nothing wrong with me. But hey, why not? I can pretend something huge has happened in my life. Maybe this extra TLC will last long.

As for people and change.

I know it’s hard to accept that some people will never change. Sometimes people are just too blind with love. They think, after a while, the person will get better and slowly the pain goes away. You just have to think positive. But patience also has its limit.

For how long will you endure yourself with an abusive partner, either physically or emotionally, or being with an adulterous partner? For how long will you allow the people who are supposed to be under your care be subject to torture from your so-called love? Seriously. Maybe I can understand if someone chose to be in that situation, so long as it doesn’t involve anyone else. But once it involves other people, especially little people, I really don’t know what to say. I really get annoyed reading kids being abused by people known to them, or worse, their own parents.

If you don’t love yourself enough, fine! Stick to that person, for better or for worse. But seriously….if kids are involved, if you love them enough, you’d do what’s best.

Pick up some courage… and move on.

Take care people! Hope you have a lovely weekend!

Ps: I’m trying hard to get the lil one out of this office! The weather is amazing today. Maybe ice-cream treat will do the trick.

Growing up

My brain is numb today. I lost my sense of writing, at a very crucial time! I am trying to wrap up a section of a report, a very important section, but I cant think! Crap! Both me and my neighbour is having a bad day, so we decided to get ourselves coffee downstairs. My colleague is more stressed out as she is flying to Spain tomorrow morning but she still has piles of work to be completed.

Luckily the weather has been brilliant for the past few days.

We went to the park yesterday. I practically had to drag the lil one out as she has been engrossed with her new play thing. I got her a laptop over the weekend. I promised her about 4 weeks ago but just couldn’t find a right time nor the right equipment. It was a lovely day. We just strolled, enjoying the sunshine, the ice-cream and ice mocha (for me of course). The park was packed with people, a common scene each time we get some sunshine.

This is why I love living in London. During spring and summer, we just chill out at the park.

Last weekend also brought me back down to memory lane.

I watched video clips of the lil one, when she was about 2 – 4 years. When most of her words were Malay and baby-talk. Unlike now, each time she speaks, it’s proper English sentence, with the Ps and Ts (please and thank you). When she looks like a baby boy, with her short hair. Now her hair is longer than mine, bouncy brown curls, with very girlish features. The times when life was difficult for both of us, compare to now when things are just beyond my dreams.

I hope I have not missed her growing up…and I pray I get to see more of her each day. I wish she becomes a better person than me.

ps: Enjoy the song!

How to Save a Life - Fray

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to Save A Life

Being a woman

It’s good to talk to someone who actually listens. They may not understand, but they listen. Sometimes that is the only thing you need when things don’t go your way. You just need to know that even when the whole world hates you, at least someone cares enough to listen.

Most times, people open themselves to me. Maybe they think I can understand or perhaps I just listen. I’m not exactly a good listener. I think it’s due to million of things rumbling inside my mind and I just cant get it out. But I try to understand.

People have different ways in coping with a broken heart. I had my fair share of difficult moments. Sometimes there is a big atmosphere of loneliness and you just do whatever means to cope with it. I don’t criticise how my friends intend to nurse their broken heart. What I can give is my thoughts.

If you want love in your life, you must learn to love yourself first. This is one of the hardest lessons I learnt. It took me a while to figure that out. Most of the time, I am a mom. There are times I feel I need a man in my life to fill the gap. Reality is, I don’t need a man to remind myself that I am a woman.

I enjoy going to the salon, get my hair done, get waxed, all the heavenly body treatment. I buy nice clothes (usually office suits) and matching shoes. I have my mocha on the weekends. I dress up when I go out with my girl or with my female friends. All because it makes me happy. I learn to love myself. It makes me more womanly than ever!

Despite having McDreamy or Mr Milan, my rule is, never let them be a burden to you (and obviously to your heart!). Maybe I am just lucky that these men have what it takes to be a man. They don’t mess up with your life! For what it’s worth, if they bring out the best out of you, just appreciate your days together.

So whenever a girlfriend complains the lack of love (ie men) in her life and intends to proceed with whoever comes first, I always tell them, make sure that he is worth it. There is no point having crappy men. It just brings more misery.


Ps: I spent my Easter helping McDreamy with his coursework at the library! Maybe I should consider taking MBA (but I seriously don’t know how to juggle between my girl, work and study at the same time).

Pss: I have been on shopping spree lately. Ferragamo handbag, Bally shoes, Ralph Lauren for my girl, etc. It actually feels good. Weird!

McDreamy

I have a few hours to go before my flight to London. It’s been tiring, travelling at early hours in the morning, meetings lined up during the day, late nights, catching the evening flight back to home. Try doing it for a few weeks! Thankfully, it’s a long weekend this week. I’m looking forward to more sleep, hugging my teddy bear. I hope she wants to sleep in like I do. But knowing my girl, the moment she wakes up, she is full of energy. The only way I can tie her down is by agreeing to watch her favourite DVDs and I can cuddle next to her while we watch.

About truth….

My life is full of drama, sometimes is even mirroring some tv series! I find it quite strange as I find myself very composed. I’m a serious freak. My time is split between my lil girl and my career (back home, it also includes family). Thus, there is very little space for myself. There’s no fun in my life, which is why I envy my close friends and siblings as they are more care-free than me. My best friend takes the most dangerous ride in Aussie many many times! I on the other hand, try hard to avoid theme parks. Oh yeah, I don’t do sports. None! Not even to the gym.

But yet, people seem to find my life interesting, especially when it comes to fairy tale. Things that they could only dream or fantasise after watching a film or tv series.

Straight to the jackpot…

I have McDreamy. The guy who has been there for you, builds up your strength during the difficult times, lets you breakdown in front of him and nurses you, brings out the best out of you, makes you think you have more potential than you’d imagine, someone who can take your crappiness and actually lets you kick his ass (literally) if he does make mistakes, then you eventually fall in love with him, even after knowing you don’t have a future together.

Sucks, huh?

Even when I have this fairy tale going (which I must admit too good to be true!), I still cant let go of McDreamy. My lil girl can see stars in my eyes each time she mentions McDreamy’s name.

Crap!

I think I should stop watch these romantic dramas. I’m beginning to act out exactly like the plot.

Sweet lies...

"No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it, eventually the lies fall away, like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth. It hurts. So we lie."

We lie for many reasons, to protect our family and friends, to protect a child’s innocence. Sometimes to protect our own heart. We chose to ignore what our heart desires because we believe it is the best thing to do.

So what do you do? To follow your heart or being practical.

In my case, I’m hurting both ways…. But it hurts more when I’m lying to my heart….

Being away..

I’m travelling again. It’ll be another hectic two weeks. I also realise for the past 3 months, I’ve been away 2 weeks each month. It must be difficult for the little one. It is harder for me too. Even today (I am still in London), I called her while at work, I can sense how much I miss her. Hearing my chatterbox talking how her day went simply cheered me up.

I must be strong for I know the purpose of my work, even when it means I have to travel. Being the only woman at my level does not mean I will get preference. At least I know I’m being treated equally (almost). If they can minimise my travel, they would. It just so happens that the job I’m being requested to do is out of the country.

Maybe it is a good thing too. Like my mom always says, whatever you do, it is ‘ibadah’, from work to taking care of your child. Take it as it is.

Going home to my lil girl’s hugs.

The price of....

2 hours after his arrival, he received a phone call. We (plus the lil one) were in Harrods, shopping and having tea. His PA, NC, called, said that there is an urgent meeting in Rome on Friday and his presence is required. There is no way he could miss it. He was upset. NC asked me to persuade him to attend the meeting as it is very important.

My first taste of being with someone very important. At any point of time, his presence is required, and I have to accept him leaving immediately. I had to reason with him, said that me and the lil one could spend time again with him. There will be other occasions or school holidays that will allow us to meet.

He left today just after lunch. Before we went to school, we stopped by at his hotel and had breakfast together. By the way, he usually stays at Savoy but because this hotel is closer to my house, he ‘downgrades’ his preference for our convenience.

Tonight, I invited a friend to join us to theatre. So it’ll be a girls’ night out. Mr Milan got us good seats, judging the price he paid for it.

Hmmm, I cant deny that I wish he didn’t have to leave. It’d be nice to spend time together, despite the language barrier (He thinks my Italian is improving).

The price of being with someone important…..it hurts…

ps: now the bag of goodies meant nothing. Yes, it was a bag of few gifts, nicely wrapped with ribbons.

Trying

"The early bird catches the worm; a stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to ‘seize the day'. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves like Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying."

Mother's day

Friday night, when I got back home:

Lil (with a low tone voice): Mummy, I have a surprise for you. I made you a card for mother’s day.
Me : It is not a surprise if you are telling me.
Lil : I’m not telling you. I’m just whispering.
Me : Aahhh. Ok then.

*I was trying hard to maintain my composure*

Saturday:
Lil : Is today Sunday, mummy?
Me : No, it’s Saturday.
Lil : So tomorrow is Sunday? It’s Mother’s day tomorrow.
Me : Yup.

Sunday, whole day busy. We both forgot about it. As I tucked her to bed at 8pm:

Lil : Mummy, I forgot to give you your card.
Me : hmmm, ok. You can take it out now.

She jumped out of bed, went into the living room and ransacked her school bag. She gave me the card.

Lil (while reading): Happy Mother’s day, mummy! There are 7 crosses for 7 kisses. All for you.
Me : Thank you baby!

I tucked her again, kissed her good night, I went to the living room and read my card in silence. Full of hearts and the 7 crosses for 7 kisses. I kept it safe, in my treasure box.

I’m so blessed…..

Massage theraphy

I seriously need a massage!!!!!

My back has been aching for the past 3 days. I think it’s partly due to work, excessive walking and potentially PMS. My nanny thinks I work too hard. I think it’s becos the crazy hormones. Whatever it is, I really need a good massage, like the time after I gave birth. The painful, malay style, rubbed with hot oil. Each time the bidan (traditional malay mid-wife) did her thingy, I would fall asleep after her session. Nanny told me that Holiday Villa has a spa and I should go there to get some relaxation. I know I don’t have any excuse not to do so as it is only a few minutes walk from home. Maybe I should pen it down in my diary.

Met up with an old friend over the weekend. Well, she’s actually my ex-boss, one of the top management in the largest company back home. Apparently she has a few meetings line-up in London and Europe and would like to spend her weekend with me and my girl. As they often say, people at top management (esp ladies) are known for their notorious behaviour and my friend is no exception. But we somehow clicked and I was honoured that she wanted to spend her free time with me.

As for my fairy tale, Mr Milan is coming this week, business meeting and a football match. He’s bringing me and the lil one to a theatre show on Friday and Saturday, to the football match. Hmm, I am concerned with the latter event. Ms Alchemist thinks we will be seated in the VIP box. I think she’s right. I told her I don’t know what to wear as I have nothing at par with the WAGS (kindly google this term). Also, we’ll be meeting his friends or people in his world. Maybe I should skip this and meet him after the match. But that’ll be rude, right? Arrghhhh!!!

I really need to get that massage appointment.

Ps: the parcel is not coming. Instead, Mr Milan will deliver the gifts himself.

Faith in fairy tale

"But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely, because almost everyone has that smallest bit of faith and hope that one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale is slightly different than your dream. The castle, well it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important that it’s happily ever after -- just that it’s happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in awhile, people may even take your breath away."

Missing my brother

I call my mom on daily basis (almost), unless of course if I’m away or very tight down with work. Usually I will warn her if there’s any change in frequency. Same goes to my baby brothers, whom I adore dearly, simply because they are very lovey dovey with me despite standing 6 feet tall.

One of them is coming here, fully sponsored by me (even when dad earns more than I do, after conversion!). But what the hell, I miss him too much that absorbing the ticket cost seems nothing. He plans to come in 2 months time, which is good as he can be the babysitter during my lil girl’s school break.

Let me tell you about this baby brother of mine.

He is the sweetest person on earth. He never judges people, including me. He always makes me feel I’m such a high achiever (maybe in his eyes). He accompanies me whenever I need someone to tag along with. Be it to the salon, shopping, having midnight supper, “mee goreng mamak” (fried noodle). At the age of 19, he has performed haj. Yup, he is religious yet cool. On top of all, he has great personality, which makes him popular among the crowd and thus, gains leadership position in school/uni clubs.

Despite living on student loan and reasonable allowance from dad, he tries to call me every week. Each time he calls, I’ll say that I’ll call him back (so that I’m the one who absorbs the call cost). But no. He said he can afford the phone call. When he found out I never actually have a proper baju kurung for Eid (a malay dress), he went to browse for one. The last time I had a new baju kurung for Eid was 13 years ago. Last Eid, I wore the dress he bought for me.

When I told him about Mr Milan, he was excited about it. He was the first to know the details of our holiday. He is now more attentive to the world of European football so that he gets to educate me (and I wont be so blur each time Mr Milan talks about his football friends, business trips, matches etc). He analyses Mr Milan gestures, his daily phone calls, wherever city he may be, and said this to me, “maybe Mr Milan is a blessing from the Almighty for all the hardship you and the little one went through.”

I’m counting the days to meet my brother.

Ps: Mr Milan’s PA emailed, saying that I should be expecting a parcel tomorrow. Hmmmm, what could it be?

Denial

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, and denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing... Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?"

Carpe Diem

“Dum loquimur, fugerit invidaAetas: carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero”

“While we're talking, envious time is fleeing: seize the day, put no trust in the future”

Sometimes we worry too much about the future that we forget to live each day to its fullest.

I am taking each day as it comes, enjoying sweet moments with my loved ones, to love and be loved by people who cares for me. Having a stroll with the lil one, calling mom and little brother, constant sms to my 2 best friends who live in 2 different countries, gathering over the weekend with my caring “sisters” here, catching up with friends when time permits.

The rest is just a bonus…

Have a good weekend!