Sunday, June 29, 2008

Definitely Maybe

Another movie recommended by a friend...

Somehow I have this strong feeling that the lil one will lead me to my soul mate. She is the best thing that has ever happened in my life; my happy ending in the previous chapter, and also the new beginning of a new one.

Good night my lil angel. Love you always and forever...

Friday, June 27, 2008

The verses of love

A dear friend suggested me to watch this movie.

Desir pasir di padang tandus
Segersang pemikiran hati
Terkisah ku di antara
Cinta yang rumit

Bila keyakinanku datang
Kasih bukan sekadar cinta
Pengorbanan cinta yang agung


Maafkan bila ku tak sempurna
Cinta ini tak mungkin ku cegah
Ayat-ayat cinta bercerita
Cintaku padamu

Bila bahagia mulai menyentuh
Seakan ku bisa hidup lebih lama
Namun harus kutinggalkan cinta
Ketika ku bersujud

Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Fringe Benefits of Failure

Excerpt from JK Rowling speech at the Annual Meeting of the Harvard Alumni:
Looking back at the 21-year-old that I was at graduation, is a slightly uncomfortable experience for the 42-year-old that she has become. Half my lifetime ago, I was striking an uneasy balance between the ambition I had for myself, and what those closest to me expected of me.


I would like to make it clear, in parenthesis, that I do not blame my parents for their point of view. There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you. What is more, I cannot criticise my parents for hoping that I would never experience poverty. They had been poor themselves, and I have since been poor, and I quite agree with them that it is not an ennobling experience. Poverty entails fear, and stress, and sometimes depression; it means a thousand petty humiliations and hardships. Climbing out of poverty by your own efforts, that is indeed something on which to pride yourself, but poverty itself is romanticised only by fools.

What I feared most for myself at your age was not poverty, but failure.

Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. So I think it fair to say that by any conventional measure, a mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale. An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless. The fears my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.


So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had already been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.

Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above rubies.

The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more to me than any qualification I ever earned.

One of the many things I learned at the end of that Classics corridor down which I ventured at the age of 18, in search of something I could not then define, was this, written by the Greek author Plutarch: What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.

That is an astonishing statement and yet proven a thousand times every day of our lives. It expresses, in part, our inescapable connection with the outside world, the fact that we touch other people’s lives simply by existing.

So today, I can wish you nothing better than similar friendships. And tomorrow, I hope that even if you remember not a single word of mine, you remember those of Seneca, another of those old Romans I met when I fled down the Classics corridor, in retreat from career ladders, in search of ancient wisdom:
As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.

Full speech can be found at:

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Viva La Vida

I should feel ecstatic that I found out about my promotion officially today or that I met the prominent business figure for an important deal. Instead, it took me off guard that the thing that made me smiled the whole day was the meeting with the financial advisor (for the business figure) aka The Banker.

They arrived early and my MD asked me to keep them company while waiting. There were only two of them and I couldn’t help noticing how yummy The Banker was. Too yummy that I forgot to give my business card!

The Banker: Do you have your business card with you?
MI: Yes.
The Banker: Well, can I have it? *with a gorgeous smile*

At that point, I felt like smacking my head. I couldn’t believe I could be so blur in the presence of a handsome looking man.

He comes from mixed parentage, very European look and clearly speaks 2 to 3 languages (he grew up in one of the posh areas in UK and now lives in another European city). Taller than me, could be almost 6 feet (I’m 5 feet 6-7, with heels add 2 more inches). Nice lean body, maybe equivalent to Tom Cruise.

Check list, no RING (very important, right? *winks*) . Wears a fine Breitling watch and definitely a smart suit (could be from Saville, yeah Lee?). He is almost 40 but like they say, 40 is the new 30s (he actually quoted that).

Oh well, it was an awesome day. Of course I feel great about the promotion but I was really surprised that what actually made my day was the presence of a seriously yummilicious guy. Clearly I love my life!

Viva La Vida everyone!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Compartmentalising and lying

It was Father’s day on Sunday and funny enough, I stumbled into these two articles published on the same day:

1. Sex on demand:
A fubu is someone that you have a relationship with which is not committed, but if you want sex, he is there for you. But the fubu can be the partner of another person too.
This is the new age in which hedonism and nihilism reign supreme. Morality has been tossed into the rear seat. Pleasure has taken over the wheel and is taking young Malaysians on a wild ride on the fast lane.

2. Have a fine affair, Dad
Overall, 47% of married men are likely to get involved with someone else and 35% of married women. “They can’t all be bad people so, faced with these statistics, I set out to try to understand why so many perfectly decent men and women are unfaithful and identified 17 reasons why people have affairs.”
“It’s because they’re good people that they lie awake at night feeling guilty and scared, agonising about how to avoid hurting the people they care about,” Kirshenbaum says.
“and while women are better at lying, men are brilliant at compartmentalising. They think that if the infidelity was in Bradford with a waitress and they’ve brought the kids presents and the wife flowers, then it doesn’t count.”

One of the conversations I had with my girl friends is that, no matter where we are or how “posh” we appear, some things remain unchanged. Putting religion aside, some things are just against our values. Yet, we are always judged of being the opposite. If we treat ourselves with respect, then we earn the respect from others.

Oh well, call us romantic fools but I believe intimacy should come after love and respect. Even Doc Love aka Uncle Lee will agree on this.

Unless of course if the guy happens to be Patrick Dempsey. *LOL* *smack my own head*.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Stepping outside

"Sometimes you need to step outside, clear your head and remind yourself of who you are. And where you want to be. And sometimes you have to venture outside your world in order to find yourself."

You know you (almost) made it when you are the key contact person between your Managing Directors and a prominent business figure back home. It was definitely a great day, better than having a man (even yummy men to some extent). *winks*

To think that I almost gave up all of these for uncertain promises.

My single 30 something girl friends think I am lucky. While all of us have great career, I have a daughter to share it with. I must say that sharing my success with her is more satisfying than having a companion. I guess the fact that we have always stick together, through thick and thin, makes us closer and appreciate life more than others. We all have different benchmark set in life and I do feel that I could have achieved more. Instead of trying to meet people’s expectation, I decided to throw them away and do what is practical and best for me and my girl. Slowly, but surely, I will climb that ladder, at my own pace, without the expense of my lil girl.

There are many things that I am grateful for. Living here is one of them. As much as I am missing home (more because of the Nasi Lemak Kerang, Kari Kepala Ikan etc), my Sifus are right. I can gain more by staying here longer, at least for another year.

For me, it is all about balancing motherhood and being a woman.

Ps: I need to curb this shopping temptation! Just when I thought I had enough of shopping, I walked past my favourite suits’ shop and they are on sales. The average suits of £400+ are going under £200! How many suits does a woman need, especially when she just purchased 3 in less than 2 months? *winks*

Thursday, June 12, 2008


"But sometimes expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady. Standing. Still, the expected's just the beginning, the unexpected is what changes our lives."

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Taking chances

At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know. If you're willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side... is spectacular.

"Does he love me?"

"You are asking the wrong question. What you need to know is are you in a position to give him the love he needs. And whatever happens or doesn't happen will be equally gratifying. Knowing that you are capable of love is enough. If it isn't him, it will be someone else. You've discovered a wellspring; simply allow it to flow and it will fill your world. Don't wait to be certain before you take a step. What you give, you will receive although it might sometimes come from the place you least expect"

Monday, June 09, 2008

The land (and house)

What would you do when he tells you that he's purchasing a piece of land, and eventually building the house..? Even after not meeting nor speaking properly to you for more than a few months...

It is not helping when he still calls you by the sweet nicknames....

I cant afford to be emotionally drained again. I just wish you let me go.

Thank you Mr Big for listening to my ramblings (even when there was a queue outside your room when we were on the phone). As much as I should be thrilled for knowing that a land has been bought, you and I both know that it doesn’t matter. And once again, you always make time to listen. When the time comes, I will tell you about the new guy.

Men may come and go but you are still there for me. I am counting my blessings.

*thinking* I'm watching too much Grey's. Sigh...

Saturday, June 07, 2008

The date (or not so)?

The moment I received his text saying he has arrived, I started to panic. At one point, I wanted to call it off. But how could I as all these while, we always meet up whenever he is in town.

That night we met. I decided to upgrade my outfit. Instead the regular jeans and plain t shirt I always wear each time we hang out, I chose the new floral dress (which I bought just for this summer and trip back home). It is knee length, A-shape, slim cutting. It looks very demure and sweet (bro says so. I trust his words). Still, I didn’t wear any make up. Just a little bit of lip gloss. I was still in my plain Jane mode, just wearing a dress instead.

I was a nervous wreck. I rehearsed what to say over and over inside my head for the last few days. Yet, that night, the moment our eyes set on to each other, I lost my words. Somehow, the feeling of being at home was the right way to describe.

And it was the best three days I ever had. Being in a company of a dear friend.

Do you know the feeling of being on cloud nine, the spark you feel for someone, the chemical reaction etc. The feeling you usually have when you are going out with someone you really like/fancy/love .

Well, honestly speaking, I didn’t feel any of the above. As far as I remember, in the last 11 years of dating or in a relationship, I usually have those feelings with the guys I adore. Now it makes me wonder, since the relationships failed, could it be the feelings was not a strong indicator to make judgement?

The past few days, I reflected our dates. Somehow, we are new to this i.e. dating each other, yet, the way we were behaving, from dining out to trying to catch a movie at two different cinemas (the tix sold out), it was as if we have been a couple for a long time. The comfort feeling. Just being ourselves.

A few months ago, I decided to focus my energy and mind on my own wellbeing. I had enough of the McDreamy types and didn’t want anyone around. In other words, I stopped looking and focussed on my inner happiness. I never felt calmer.

But he showed up. Well, he didn’t show up, he has always been there. But somehow, this time, I noticed him and vice versa. Since he is a friend, I made it clear that I am not ready to be emotionally attached to anyone.

And what makes it weirder, I realise he has the qualities I always wish for in a man (and I know these men never exist!). He is a simple, straight forward person. He may hold a senior post, but he prefers simplicity when it comes to stuffs. From cars to clothes to food. He has only one watch, just like me! (I had mine for 10 years and only changed it this year cos the Godfather gave me a new one as a birthday gift). And he finds it interesting that I am a girl who enjoys her regular morning breakfast, teh tarik and roti canai at the usual mamak, eating there all by herself while reading the newspaper. It’s my routine each time I go back.

Like I said, I am not ready to be emotionally attached. So I will not fall (or trying hard not to). All I can say is that, the past few days, I felt I was at home.

ps: Of course it is a bonus that he is a "Candy Man". *winks*

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Lead the way

I’m leaving tonight
Going somewhere deep inside my mind
I close my eyes slowly
Flowin’ away slowly
But I know I’ll be alright
It’s coming stronger to me
And I know someone is out there
Lead the way Lead the way
Show me the answers I need to know

What I’m gonna live for
What I’m gonna die for
Who you gonna fight for
I can’t answer that

All my life/love it is
It is all my love
All my life/love it is
I know it is a life to live lately
From above I hear
I hear the sound of them sinkin’
I feel numb, I’m alive
I know I’m getting closer

My life has had it’s share of troubles
And now I found a place to go
I’ve said goodbye to all my troubles
’cause now I’ve find my place to go

I have done this before. I have been on a date for a few times. Yet this time, I am nervous and cant think straight. Even working like crazy last week is nothing compare to what will come for the next few days.

I just dont want to lose a beautiful friendship.

For the first time, I actually remember all the times we spent together. From the first time we met, to the times I went back after graduation, to my first few months moving here.

Did fate play with our cards? Guess I wouldnt know until I give it a try.

Wet Wet Wet

It was a hectic week. Midnight runs from Tuesday to Thursday due to submission. Got home after 1am, called best friend during the cab ride and continued just before I went to bed. I think I slept at 3am. Took Friday off to spend time with my girl and brother (he’s around for a few weeks). We went to Oxford st, shopping what else. *smiles*

On Saturday, we headed to Legoland with Ms Versatile and brother’s friend. Despite a few hiccups (I forgot to print the confirmation email and went to the office at 7AM to do so! The ticketing officer said Legoland was closed but she got it mistaken with Windsor Castle. Duh!), we reached there around 11ish. The “adults” wanted to try the cool rides, leaving me and my girl exploring the places together. But little did they know that we got the awesome rides.

We took the river splash. “It will take you on a wet and wild voyage, surging down churning rapids and through a fantasy Viking world constructed by nearly two million LEGO® bricks. Watch out for Nidhogg, the terrible dragon with a staggering six metre wingspan or the four meter long Midgard sea serpent and prepare to get wet!” On the same ride, there was a father with his 8 year old boy (very cute, the boy I meant. *smiles*).

The second ride we took was the pirate falls. “Heed the warning of the LEGO Pirates and creatures as you make your way along the Pirate Falls River deep in the Wild Woods, for there is a something big coming your way! Prepare for a soaking!” Anyway, while queuing for the ride, the same parent-boy was in front of us (about 10 metres ahead). The boy kept asking us to join them. At this point, I was absolutely sure that he had a huge crush on my girl. Cute, eh? Since the ride itself can accommodate 4 people, I took his offer. I think the dad was quite embarrassed with his son’s persistence. But hey, no guts no glory, eh? After the ride, the boy asked whether we’d want to join them the whole day but I had to decline cos Ms Versatile wanted to join us.

All in all, we were soaked! Lil enjoyed herself, especially seeing her mom got wet. We managed to watch the “Revenge of the Aztec Queen” and lil got onto other rides. We left at about 5pm and reached London by 6pm, just in time for dinner but none of us could eat as we were too knackered.

Next time, make sure you bring a rain coat and swim suit for the lil ones.