Friday, October 31, 2008

Wishful thinking

Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
And it would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing Cause you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours, on and
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend

Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

Well how long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all

Baby there's a lot that I miss
In case I'm wrong

If I should be so bold
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
Tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said I would
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Who wants a sugar daddy?

Now let me think why I should consider having a sugar daddy. Let’s pull together some list, shall we.

The Pros:
- Fixed income every month. If not comfortable, it would be a luxury lifestyle.
- You have most time to yourself as he is away on business trips or with the wife (or other women). All day shopping or coffee with friends.

The Cons:
- You wont be able to meet up other men. Maybe you could if you are careful but having a relationship is out of the question. You must exert high cautious if the sugar daddy is well connected and he could probably send his bouncers to mark his territory.
- You are his asset and at his mercy.
- He could probably be bald, have a fat belly, bad breath and lousy in bed.

Dont we all love listening to rumours? But seriously, why on earth would I want a sugar daddy when I earn enough to lead a comfortable life? Not to mention I have a high chance of doubling what I earn in a few years time if I work my way up the corporate ladder. For crying out loud, why would I want a sugar daddy when I can afford to have a toy boy?!?!?!? Hmm, but then again, who wants a toy boy when you are surrounded with yummilicious men. They come in nice packaging, with charisma and FREE OF CHARGE.

Please dont insult your intelligence, especially when you claim that your school is one of the elites. You have just proven that Malays, educated or not, have the same mentality and perceptions towards single mothers.

Like my close friends say, probably it is because that although I am in my 30s and a mother, I have a body and a face of a woman a decade younger. (ok, I could be exaggerating but who cares). Second, I have a job that I love and pays damn well.

Careful now. These days, God pays everything in cash. Perhaps the rumours will push me closer to reach this.

I know I should feel offended by this but I have things to be happy about. A dear blogger just said that B is for beautiful and that I am young and full of life. Yikes! Now I have to make sure that I live up to your expectation dear. *winks* Not to mention that I am still smitten by the date last night. *dreamy eyes*. Please excuse me while I enter my dreamland.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Pretty woman moment

Of all days, suddenly today I received much attention from people at work. My secretary asked if I had a haircut, which I did by the way and it was 2 weeks ago! Or that I was wearing a nice pair of shoes when I wear them every other day for a year now. Or my suit looks good when I wear them once a fortnight.


Could it be because I had a certain glow on my face that somehow, I looked like a drop dead gorgeous lady? *cough cough cough*

Then, my secretary found out that someone was in town and all of a sudden, everything made sense to her. Yikes! She pulled my legs so bad that I buried myself behind my desk.

Geesh..knowing that he is around has made me blushed like this. I wonder what would happen should we meet. *winks*

Damn it! Get a grip woman. You've been friends for so long and everything was fine each time he was in town. Well, that was before you realised how yummilicious he is (I cursed my best friend for pointing it that to me) and not to mention the chemistry you had a few months ago.

But I cant deny that I have been singing whole day and feel like a pretty woman.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

First dates -- the good, the bad, the OMG

The 'click'
If the chemistry is right, of course, it doesn't matter what you do on a first date.

Bret Bouchard, a 29-year-old Web designer from Cohoes, New York, says his best first date was an evening he spent a year ago with a bank manager named Ashley Stevenson, now 24. The two had a great meal at a Mexican restaurant then spent the rest of the night walking around the Empire State Plaza in Albany.

"It's always been my favorite part of Albany, and I thought it would be a romantic place to go afterwards," says Bouchard. "I showed her all my favorite areas -- the sculptures, the reflecting pool, the alcove in the performance center where your voice echoes. We ended up sitting there and talking for hours. It was the place we had our first kiss."

The last time I went on a "first date" would be a few months ago. I didnt have much expectation as he was not really my type based on his factsheet. You see, he was different from others; the ones I usually go out with or who are interested in me. Generally they wear suits, handle business or money matters, super achiever etc.

So I went with an open mind. Well, I actually didnt go and meet him. He picked me up from home. And yes, I asked whether it was ok for me to wear heels. He must have thought I was a weirdo. *lol*

The first impression I gave was not good. He made an effort to look nice but I came very casual. I felt really bad. Then the choice of place to hang out. He was kind enough to accompany me to a local joint that served nasi lemak kerang. As we both in different professions, it felt like two people talking in different languages.

But you know what, it was one of the best "first date" I ever had. The way it started, the place we went, the things we talked about etc. I never felt so relaxed. I supposed I felt that way because he shared some pieces of his life that made me pulled down my fences.

Booth: Getting information out of alive people is a lot different than getting information out of a pile of bones. You have to offer up something of yourself first.
Brennan: What exactly did you do in the military?
Booth: You see? You see what you did right there Bones? You asked a personal question without offering anything personal in return, and since I'm not a skeleton, you get zilch. Sorry!

What triggered this? Remember the kitchen scene in Sepi where Afdlin and Vanida fooled around? It reminded me of our third date. *smiles*

I am happy to know that he is doing fine.

Anyway, how was your first date?

Full article can be found:
First Dates

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Tagged - again

Akmal has kindly tagged me (I suppose it was payback time since I tagged him earlier).

7 facts about me:

1. I am tall compare to the average malay women. Once I went on a blind date and I asked him whether it was ok for me to wear heels. I was being polite. Oh, my girlfriends’ first question after a date would be his height!

2. I love to eat and it always raises people’s eyebrows, especially if it involves chips, ice creams, cheese etc, as it is not shown by my body figure.

3. I am not a fan of shoes or handbags. I trust my collections are only a fraction of what women with the same purchasing power but they are enough to make me look good. *LOL*

4. Cooking is like a therapy for me and I cook out of love. When I am stressed or just want to relax, I cook. If the lil one craves for a particular dish, I will do it. This fact is not common among family and friends as I hardly do so back home (or probably the way I appear?). Once my girl said to the grandparents, “Mummy never cooks here and you think she can’t but she makes really yummy food”.

5. I drink mocha EVERYDAY! Even the coffee guy/girl at the cafe near work knows my order without me uttering a word.

6. I love nasi lemak kerang and thankfully, during the last 2 trips back, I found a place close enough to home that have them served all day long!

7. I am a single parent to a beautiful and adorable daughter, who always wishes for her mum to find her prince. I reckon he is lost somewhere. Can someone please give him a map?

I now tag D, Darlene, Syuks, NJ, Fizzy, Momster, Kak Teh, anyone else up for it?

Oh, happy deepavali everyone! Hope those back home are enjoying the long weekend.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Mastercard moment & getting old

Mini B: Why didn’t you go to work mummy?
Me: Because I wanted to spend time with you.
Mini B: Ok. (paused for a while) Can we do this again next time? (with a smile on her face)
Me: Of course honey.

The cost of cancelling the trip: hmm, enough to get a few handbags.
To be having that conversation with her and know that she had a good time: Priceless!

Oh by the way, we watched HSM3 and had the cinema to ourselves. She had so much fun that she danced and sang along the movie! Later, we went to the science museum and spent a few hours there. Before we ended the day, we had late lunch (more like tea time) at a nearby cafe, where the conversation took place.
Mastercard moment indeed. *smiles*

I did something stupid and tried my best to control the "damage". The last time I covered my trails, I received sms from Kak Teh and emails from close bloggers on why I did so. Not to mention that I personally left my new "home" to the people I knew back then. Went to each web and left my details (altho I remember D said that I forgot to leave my new trail!).

After I did what I could possibly think of, I then asked myself whether it was worth the trouble. Because of my silliness, I probably deprive my blogger friends and readers from reading my rambling thoughts (most of them don't make sense anyway. *LOL*).

Oh well, I learn my lesson. I am getting old, hence couldn't remember to cover my tracks as well as I usually do. *rotfl*

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


"Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."

I may not have met her in person but I am glad that I made that step to get to know her a few weeks ago ie sms and phone call. Today, I realise how fortunate I am to have her as a friend.

So D dear, thank you for making time for me today.

Sometimes it takes an unexpected event or action to make us realise the worth of things (and people). Although things didnt turn out as planned, it somehow led me to a meaningful discovery. Once again, I dont know how this journey is going to be but for whatever it is, I am thankful for just being part of it.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Strength and wisdom

Booth: You know that thing where you ask for the strength to change the things that you can and the wisdom to know the difference?
Brennan: Not really.
Booth: Well, it's a good thing.

I don’t really know whether I want to go on this trip. My emotions are mixed. I wish I could unleash my thoughts but I feel the need to keep it buried.

If I don’t feel like going, I’d cancel it. Money can’t buy happiness. Well, sometimes they do. I treat my loved ones if it makes us happy. Even sometimes to people who make my lil one happy (and my feelings towards them are neutral).

I don’t know how many chances I should give to a person. I’m sure there is a limit.

Can I have it all; motherhood, career and love? Should I give myself a chance to give it a try? Or should I just move on and let it go...?

What is the price of cancelling a trip? My peace of mind? Maybe... I wish I have the strength to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know whether it is worth it.

Saturday, October 18, 2008


1. When was the last time you ran? A long time ago.
2. Do your jeans have rips, tears and holes in them? Nope.
3. What are you dreading right now? Nothing in particular.
4. Do you celebrate 4/20? No clue.
5. When was the last time you saw your significant other? If you are referring to mini B, a minute ago. Otherwise, still wishful thinking.
6. Do you get the full eight hours of sleep every night? Rarely.
7. What is your favorite current song? Let me be myself by 3 doors down.
8. If anyone came to your house on your lazy days, what would you do? Entertain them. I’m used to having impromptu guests since uni.
9. Who last grabbed your ass? I’m not sure whether that person did. Hmmm, maybe. *winks*
10. Have you ever been in your school’s band? Yes.
11. Do you own a pair of Converse? Nope.
12. Did you copy and paste this survey? Of course.
13. Do you eat raw cookie dough? Sometimes.
14. Have you ever kicked a vending machine? Cant remember.
15. Do you hate it when a radio ruins a song by playing a slow one after it? Neutral.
16. Do you watch Trading Places? No clue.
17. Have you ever stayed on line a long time waiting for someone? If you have ever lived here, you’d know how their customer service is. A nightmare!
18. Are you ‘cocky’? Dont know.
19. Could you live without a computer? If you give me a candy man, definitely! *winks*
20. Do you wear your shoes in the house? Nope.
21. At what age did you find out Santa was not real? Like forever.
22. How many phones, house phones and cell phones are there in your home? 2 mobiles, 1 landline.
23. What do you do when you are sad? If around people, I’d smile. Otherwise, take a hot bubble bath and unwind.
24. Who would you call first if you won the lottery? Mini B.
25. Last time you saw your best friend? A few months ago.
26. Who, or What sleeps with you? Mini B and her “children” (5 of them).
27. Are you still in High School? No.
28. Is anyone on your bad side now? *thinking*
29. What jewelry are you wearing now? Earrings and necklace.
30. What is the first thing that you do when you get on line? Check my emails.
31. Do you watch Grey’s Anatomy? Definitely.
32. Would you ever wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? Yes, cos it would probably mean I’m having sleepover at his place. *grins*
33. Where do you work? London.
34. What are you doing on Friday? Dinner with friends.
35. Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson? If he’s considering plastic surgery, then yeah.
36. Favorite name for a girl? Mini B
37. Favorite name for a boy? Starts with A.
38. Will you keep your own name when you get married? Yes.
39. When was the last time you left your house? About 2 hours ago. Dinner with friends.
40. Do you return your cart (I assume trolley)? Yes.
41. Do you have a dishwasher? Nope.
42. What noise do you hear? The washing machine.

I now tag Fizzy, Darlene, Inah, Syukur and Akmal.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


Booth: Can I make a lifestyle suggestion?
Brennan: Go ahead.
Booth: You know, vacation - it's from the Latin "vacatio" and means, you know, freedom and release - you might want to consider that next time.
Brennan: Learning Latin?
Booth: This is the opposite of vacation. I mean, no wonder you snapped, went insane and totally lost your mind.
Brennan: Oh, thanks for your understanding.

My planned leave is less than a week from now and I still have not decided on where to go. All I know is that I really need a break. Both of us do, tho probably not so much for the lil one as she is enjoying her life.

I better make up my mind soon.

Or maybe I should ditch both ideas and just head to Paris for a short break. Less of a headache.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Wounded souls....

I whisper to the moon
Please return to me
My companion
My lover
My heaven

Without him, night is my companion
Loneliness holds me in its embrace

Dear moon
Please do not let the sun come
Let the world be in darkness
Let it be lonely like me

- Sepi -

Sunday, October 12, 2008

A good night sleep...

I know I should feel happy that:

- we might be going to the land of the emirates for our holiday, fully provided for. A high profile role is to be explored;
- an invitation was received to watch Andrea Bocelli's show in Naples, full VIP treatment. The trip will also include shopping at the no-price-tag boutiques and the lil one gets 3 sales assistants helping her to choose the outfits; and
- Mr Big will be in town.

All three in the same week (I havent decided which to choose).

But the truth is, I am not sure I want any of those. I want to rest. I havent been getting enough. I just couldnt sleep these days as much as I want to.

Maybe I am thinking too much....

Someone told me to follow my heart. Of late, it keeps telling that I should go back and it has nothing to do with men. It just feels right, that is all.

It is a difficult decision but for now, all I want is a good night sleep.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

The fever is back!

When you have daughters (or nieces, god daughters, etc) between the ages of five to seventeen, the things that should be on your finger tips are:
- High School musical: it includes knowing Troy/Zack, Gabriella/Vanessa, Wild Cats etc;
- Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus; and
- Camp Rock, featuring Jonas Brothers.

Oh, you are expected to know the songs as well. Probably it wont be an issue knowing they’d be singing their lungs out day and night.

You should know that there is no point buying their clothes on your own as you’d end up returning them. It is best to bring them along and often they’d say, “you know that I like rock style”. If only they have a workshop for parents like me who has no clue of what rock style means. Thankfully, it meant following Hannah/Miley’s wardrobe. I was glad her choices today consisted of brown colours (I was afraid she’d choose black!).

Enjoy the trailer!

The Crush

The week has been manic. I was too tired today that I decided to go to bed early. Unfortunately, I couldn’t sleep but the lil one managed to enter dreamland within minutes. *smiles*

The crash of the stock markets and fall of the banks led my division busier than ever. Too many companies are signalling SOS that we are swamped. I suppose it is a good thing i.e. more money for us. I know I am not paid five figures USD per month to browse the net. But hang on, that was exactly what I did for the past few days. I had to ensure my MDs had the latest news. I think my fingers have 6 packs each as they have been tapping the keyboard endlessly.

Anyway, enough of financial distress.

Do you remember back in high school or uni, there is a group of elite people? The supercool type. They don’t have to act and prove to be cool. Fame is in their blood. They come from well to do family and the guys are good looking while the girls are gorgeous. Well, even if they aren’t, they know how to carry themselves and appear good. They lead a life just like the characters in Gossip Girls.

McSteamy and Booth were part of that group. Not only they were good looking, they were smart too. McSteamy was the best student for his year whilst Booth got dean’s list almost every semester. I never spoke to McSteamy as he was way much my senior, despite his room was next to mine (it was a mixed college). Booth on the other hand was in my year. Still, since I was not part of that group (a plain Jane with lack of effort to dress herself nice), I usually kept myself away from him.

Yet, despite being in that group, Booth was always kind to me. Other people would just say hi & bye upon meeting me at campus. Booth would always stop and make a conversation. Oh, I had a huge crush on him during that time. *LOL* But I knew my place, way out of that league. It was always nice to talk to Booth. Never failed to make my day.

Booth was here for awhile. We sometimes contacted each other via email. We usually bumped into one another either at our business functions or the usual restaurants. He is now back in KL and I totally forgot to keep in touch, up until I saw his picture at someone’s blog. It prompted me to drop an email. A short one, just to confirm I got the right address. He replied, with a very cheerful tone. I updated him with my career progress. He somehow managed to sum it up that I have not made up my mind to either stay in London, come home or take the Singapore’s offer. Yet, should I decide to come home, he wants to meet up and have a chat of what his firm can offer. Typical MD material. *LOL* They are groomed to poach good people when they see one. I think if he does make an offer, I’d accept without looking at the terms. *ROTFL* Hey, he still gives me that ‘jaw dropped’ moment. He looks exactly the same but in better packaging (suits of course).

Anyway, it was good to get an email from him, especially when it ended with “do take care” and “warm regards” phrases (also a smiley face). After a long week, it made my day.

Sometimes I think Mrs Cooper and the Sexy Professor were right. It seems that I am given the chance to make up loss time. *smiles*

Monday, October 06, 2008

Sweet child of mine

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I stared too long
I'd probably break down and cry

I emailed one of my Sifus that I met his ex-colleague. The Flying Dutchman knew a lot about him and I presumed they were close. However, Sifu couldn’t recall who Flying Dutchman was and asked for some description. All I said was that he is really good looking and looks young for his age. He could be almost a decade older than me but he looks like in early 30s, quite a catch, Orlando Bloom’s body (of course I didn’t disclose these details to Sifu).

My Sifu on the other hand replied, “Single? Available? Go for it!” huh??? I felt like smacking my head when I read his email. I know Sifu meant well. All of them are. During my trip back, another Sifu said something similar, “for now, you have the lil one but she’s growing up. One day, you would want to have a companion.”

I have been a single parent for a few years now. In fact, close friends said that I have been managing the family by myself ever since the lil one was born. For as long as I can remember I have been on my own, literally speaking. The only difference between now and then is that I have my girl by my side.

And you know what? Despite there were times that I felt my life was falling apart, I had many sweet memories. My girl was a cheerful baby. She was always smiling and laughing. They were contagious, mind you. Even at my lowest point, a look at her face would make me smile. Sometimes when I was studying late night (for my professional exam) and felt stressed out, I just crawled in bed and snuggled next to her. I would probably be the only mom who would wake her daughter up after coming home late from work (due to unrealistic deadline) just to play with her. Others would be glad that their kids were already in bed but me, I would try my best to wake her up and spend some time to play. The moment she opened her eyes, she’d giggle and smooch me.

Now my baby is a young girl, doing extremely well. She has built a strong confidence level over the years. People speak immaculate things about her. Today she received the “School Council” badge. I think the Student Council works closely with the Principal in organising school events and liaising students’ issues. I can see she’s happy with her achievement.

I know my life is blessed, especially with a beautiful daughter. Yet, even she wants me to have my happily ever after.

The truth is, I dont even know whether I am capable to be committed in a relationship. My priority will always be her and if a man decides that he wants to be with me, he has to be prepared for that.

Or perhaps because of that, they will make their exit...

Saturday, October 04, 2008

When was the last time you got away?

Booth: You ever just, you know, sit on the beach, pretend there is no such thing as skeletons?
Brennan: Is that in any way fun?
Booth: When was the last time you got away?
Brennan: Got away from what?
Booth: Oh, Bones. You know, cause what usually happens to me, I think about not coming back.
Brennan: Seriously?
Booth: Yeah, you know, you go with someone, you joke about not going back to your real life, the two of you laugh. But, when you're alone the world is full of possibilities.

I have taken a few trips on my own since university. I guess the idea of being away to a foreign place, where no one knows you, makes it appealing. You can be whoever you want to be, without being judged. Even if they do, you couldn’t care less. Chances are, they wont be seeing you again. As you are on your own, you are bound to ask the locals for directions, tips or advice. Most of them are helpful, especially since you try your best to speak their language using the basic phrases provided by the guide books. Even when I am away for business purpose, I make it a point to do some sightseeing, usually on my own. I just ask the receptionist to arrange for a cab and tour the city. Sometimes I will tell them to drop me off at the favourite spots where you can take a stroll endlessly.

Of course it is good to be on a holiday with a partner. You take a break from your normal routine and rekindle the passion. Still, you cant run away from expectations. You want it to be the perfect trip and somehow, with the pressure, it can ruin the moment.

A solo trip gives you an opportunity to explore new things. Every place has its own attractions, be it arts, history, food or shopping. Each has its own vibes and atmosphere. Somehow, it evokes certain thoughts and makes you reflect on your life.

Sometimes when I take that stroll at those famous boulevards, take that mocha at a cafe or dinner at a nearby restaurant, I will always end up in deep thoughts. I tend to reflect what I want without factoring anything.

Somehow, a trip on your own leads to many possibilities, as proven in my case many times. It is a matter of choice whether we want to explore the door. Besides, you wouldn’t know what is in store until you give it a try.

Anyway, today I explored one huge door. I know it is going to be a big stepping stone for me but at least I am giving it a try. If the firm has strong faith and is willing to take the risk on me, why should I not give myself a chance? My past sometimes makes me discount myself but over the years, I learn to shake them off. Sometimes I forget that many people see that I am already “there”. Like my MD said, there is no point for them to give an opportunity to someone who does not buy-in the idea.

So I guess I have to be a shopaholic, eh? *smiles*

*Both Ms B and mini Ms B look forward to their next holiday, although at present Ms B has yet to decide the location. She has booked her leave but undecided where to go. Either a trip to the beach or Florence just for the sake of visiting their designer outlets in order to get Italian handbags at just 200 euros.*