Holiday season part 1

I watched Happy Feet with my girl. It was hilarious! Good for emotional therapy, apart from shopping. Hehhehe.. Being on leave is bad for me as my money flows like a running tap. But so far, the things I bought are essentials. Heater for the house, sweaters and casual handbag for me, jeans and long sleeve top for my girl. Most of these items were on sale, 50% off, except for the heater. I shall prepare myself for the Boxing Day’s damage. It’ll be three times more than what I’ve spent so far.

Most likely I have to travel to Europe in January. Before I went on leave, the Director asked whether my visa allows me to go to Europe. I think that’s a hint.

A few things happened past days. Some were good, some could have been better. I try not to be bothered by the not-so-good events. I find it hard when someone gives ‘no time’ as an excuse for not doing something which only takes 5-10 minutes of their time. Sometimes I wonder if we swap roles for just one day, maybe it’ll be an eye opener for defining ‘no time’ excuse. Different people have different priority I guess.

The other day, my girl watched an advertisement for donation to some charity meant for abused or neglected kids. The advert had a girl, trying to open a can of food on her own in her house. My girl saw this clip a few times already. But that night, our conversation went like this:
My girl: “why there is no mummy and daddy in her house?’
Me: “Sometimes mummies and daddies don’t want to take care of their children.”
My girl: “like my daddy?”

There was a pause…

I asked, “are you sad honey?”
Her answer, “no mummy because I have you. You take care of me.”

How one advert affects her thoughts… how she relates her situation with the girl in that clip. A simple question but touched my heart.

A friend lost her father recently. It was difficult for her to find a seat to go back due to festive season and the bad fog in London. Most flights couldn’t take off. She got back the day after her father’s death. I hope she will find strength during this difficult time.

Cinta

I saw this video clip. Though I doubt I will have a chance to watch this movie, I think it’s a good one. It’s about reality of life, five stories to share. I like Kak Ruby's comments about the film: http://rubyahmad.blogspot.com/2006/12/cinta-love.html

How many of us have remained in a relationship simply because you thought it’s the right thing to do? or leaving the love of your life to make others happy? Or not taking second chances in life because you are scared to do so?

Life is about taking chances. No one will change your fate unless you do something about it.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been had I stayed back home. Will I still be disillusioned, thinking that everything will turn out fine? Will I still think that I’m unworthy, unable to be the perfect person everyone wants me to be? Will I ever find happiness and peace….?

I have the best thing in life now. My daughter, the love of my life. She never judges me. She always appreciates the things I do, be it cooking simple food, sending her to school, making simple lunch pack. She never complained when we stayed in a tiny flat or when I couldn’t afford to buy her favourite toys. Maybe that’s why our life has got better. Her patience paid off.

Today another good friend has gone back for good. I wish him all the best with his new undertakings. Thank you for your time. Look forward for this new journey in life.
Anuar Zain-Perpisahan

Closing doors..

I’ve been away. Out at client’s place, on leave and on course. I only have four more working days before I start my Christmas break. It’ll be two weeks leave. Looking forward to it.

My course for the past two days was about report writing. There was a session on grammar and surprisingly, I knew all the answers! The facilitators said, usually the non-English speakers are aces when it comes to this session. I just love it! J Funny funny.

My favourite Ghost Whisperer series is now over. There goes my Tuesday night entertainment. Oh well, I still have CSI to watch. I’m tempted to buy the box series on Sex & The City. It’s on sale for just £50 for the complete series. That’s a bargain! I’m trying really hard not to buy anything until sale starts which is just 13 days to go.

Mama S has asked when I’m free to hang out (without our kids). She said we should ask Kakak Rock to come along and just have mommies’ night out, leave the kids with the nanny. The last time I watch a movie was a few months ago, Cars. Anyway, it’ll be good to have a day with the moms. Kakak Rock wants to bring me to the salon she usually goes to. Apparently it’s much cheaper as the beauticians are still on training, thus charges are below market price. J

Also, I got feedback from my previous assignment. Overall, the Director gave ‘outstanding and excellent’. I’m very pleased! There were specific and lengthy comments but I was really surprised with the feedback. My friends keep saying that I always under-rate myself. I should have more faith in my capabilities.

It also applies to love. I need to have more faith in TD, his sincerity. I guess what I went through made me sceptical. I shouldn’t judge him, I shouldn’t keep my doors closed.

31 days...

31 days to 2007. Have you achieved your resolutions for this year?

Well, if you haven’t, you’ve got 31 days to do so (30 days since it’s already 5pm UK time).

I achieved all except one. I have yet to watch a theatre. Yup, I’ve been here for more than 2 years and I have yet to watch any! Tickets are cheap and you can always get discounted ones online. Even my girl watched one already. Mummy is yet to appreciate this.

Anyway, we’re going to have Indian meal tonight. Tomorrow, I need to take another picture of her for our visa. I just realised her picture had shadows and apparently, it’s not allowed under immigration guidelines.

What’s my next year wish-list? Here it goes:

1. Visit:
a. Disneyland Paris – mummy is more excited to go than the princess.
b. Granada, Spain – see Alhambra Palace
c. Istanbul and Bodrum – I cant get enough of Istanbul. Bodrum is just to bring the little one to see TD’s boat.

2. Work hard and get promoted. More shopping and holiday trips for both of us. :D

3. Polish my French. It’s VERY rusty. How can I help with my kid’s homework?

4. Learn either Spanish or Turkish, depending where I’d like to go for my international posting. But if Turkey, I have my new friend, Simah, to give survival tips.

5. Be happy!

Take care people! Have a good weekend and spend time with your loved ones!

Ginger bread man

I’m done for today and it’s only 4pm. My report is due at 4.30pm (first draft). Nothing much I can do anyway since I don’t have access to the rest of the information. Going to review the stuffs next week. Guess I’m going home early tonight (was expecting to be working late).

My girl made me a ginger bread man! Yup! Like the ones in Shrek. She decorated it, with smarties chocolate and icing pen. I had it for tea just now. It was as big as my palm! She actually told me to show it off at office (which I did. My secretary thought it was so sweet of her to do so).

Did my long overdue waxing (at home of course). When you are a mom (in my case, a working single mom), it’s just hard to find time for yourself. My routine starts at 7am and ends at 10-12 pm, sometimes way past midnight if I have to continue work at home. This week, I’ve been making sandwich and boiled sweetcorn for my girl’s packed lunch. Today, I even made fried rice for my own lunch (there were some leftovers. Might as well bring it to work). I try to make it a point to put some time for myself once a month, either for body pampering, shopping for my own things (which usually ends up with her stuffs), coffee with friends, etc. It’s also her time to catch up with her friends as they go to different schools. They will compare notes, exchange gossips ie who is the cutest boy in their class.

Despite my rush to complete this report, I Googled TD during lunch time. Hehhehe… I was surprised that it came out a few, most in his language which I couldn’t comprehend. Well, not really that surprised since he was actually quite prominent in his profession back home. But the best part was I got his picture! Hahahhaha… Published by the university. I get to see his course-mates, mostly investment bankers. There are only 30 of them I think. He looks good (ehheheh… bias again). Well, he always looks good in a suit.

Thinking what to do this weekend. Ms Alchemist suggests that I watch Casino Royale. I’m not a fan of James Bond movies. I only watch it because of Pierce Brosnan. :P This week’s Ghost Whisperer was kind of eerie, to be continued next week.

Also, this year I shall attend the department’s/firm’s Christmas dinner. Thus, I shall find a dress. I’m sure the first person who will look forward shopping for my dress will be none other than my girl. I’m sure that she will look forward to see me dressing up. Speaking of dresses, once I saw a lovely maroon dress from Monsoon. It’s actually for kids aged 13+. My friends persuaded me to try but I was sceptical (I didn’t think I’d fit). Surprise surprise! I did! And yes it was lovely… (and hell lot cheaper).

Supergirl

I’m having my second mocha for today. I must be stressed. I actually wanted to get a snack but I ended up with coffee. Damn that cashier. He just knew how to melt me with his smile. Ahhaha.. Lame excuse. I think I’m just stressed and need a coffee break. Plus the café downstairs serve good and CHEAP coffee. My mocha (which I have every morning), only cost £1.50 compare to Starbucks of £2.30. Life is good. :D

Also, today I saw our secretaries went shopping for one of the Directors. I think it’s a gift for his wife/kid. Don’t know. I said to my secretary, “what would they do without you?”. When I was a kid, most of my birthday gifts and cards were prepared by my dad’s secretary. He just signed them. I hope I won’t become one of them. I’ll try my best to choose my kid’s stuffs. Most of the time, she picks her things. I just pay for them.

Update on my girl:
Called her after she got back from school. She said her right knee hurts (I think she seeks for attention). I said, she’s a supergirl, very strong. The pain will go away. Plus, I’ll give her a hug when I go back later. She was being very lovey dovey. Hehhehe… My beautiful angel. Even when she’s in pain, she brightens my day. What would I do without you by my side?

It’s been a long day. I’m going to do some body pampering tonight.

She fell!

My baby girl fell on our way to school today. She cried a bit, her lips were cut. There were a little bit of blood. I'm sure there could be bruises underneath her tights. So I carried her to school, consoled her, despite my migraine (my head still aches today. Damn that donut!). My poor baby. She hugged me, feeling safe, knowing that mummy will always be there for her.

Then I remember the times when she fell asleep in the bus on our way home from the nursery/child-care centre. The nursery to our old house was just 5-10 mins bus ride but that’s long enough for a child to fall asleep after a tiring day. I carried her, with my laptop in my backpack, from the bus stop to our home. Lucky me, she only weighs under 15kg.

Maybe that’s why she feels safe, knowing each time she falls, mummy will be there to lift her.

And I hope God gives me the strength to raise her until she is old enough to be on her own.

Krispy Kreme

It’s been a tiring day. Maybe it’s because I was actually working. :P I’m having a bad headache. I think it’s due to my excessive eating of Krispy Kreme donuts. I had 4 in the last 2 days!

Also, something bugs me today. Sigh.. I know I know. I shouldn’t let those things bug me. But I’m still human, right. I just feel strange, knowing the person who used to be part of my life has become such a different person.

On another hand, TD suddenly called! :D See, he likes to do these unexpected gestures. It’s like, he just knows that I need TLC! Hey, a phone call is still TLC to me. He said the wedding was splendid but the worst part was he had to dance. This I have to see. He said it was recorded and he’ll show me if he gets his hands on it.

I better go. I’m missing my little angel. Geesh! I actually miss her everyday!!!! Even when I had to go away for business trip, I called her twice a day!

Of course I miss TD. And that phone call made me miss him more.

Monday note

This week, I'm assigned on an energy-related project. I've made my preference to specialise in financial service and energy industry. Today has been a good day. I was given a bunch of information and documents and it was up to me to design the report format and template. Cool! It’s much easier to outline your own report. I’m sure it’ll be cut and sliced by the bigger fish but at least I get the chance to put my creative mind into that report.

So for the past 3 weeks I did FS work and the next 1-2 weeks, I’m getting into energy stuffs. Hopefully it adds up my market value. The good thing of specialising FS is that most of our assignments are based in the city. The cons – I have a lot of reading (regulated industry).

Hope you enjoyed the video clip. Sometimes I think part of the clips (certain parts), kind of reflecting my life.

I’m done for today. Leaving now. Looking forward to be greeted by my baby.

Would you lie with me...?

Chasing Cars (Grey's Anatomy Version)


I like this clip.

TGIF

I'm almost done for today. Actually, my report went out last night so I didn't have much to begin with.

My Director treated us lunch (I got to choose the place). Had calamari and lobster. Yummy!

Asked my girl what to do or where to go tonight. She said she wants to go to Boots. I was!??!?!?!? Last week, I asked her to go to Hamleys . FYI, it's a 5 storeys toy shop. She declined!!! My God. Her cartoon was far more important than going shopping at this place. And tonight, she wants to go to Boots!?! They dont even have toys there. Hmmm, maybe she wants to get that Barbie perfume. Her friend has one. Hmm, now it makes sense.

Also, two of my Directors were made Partners today. I'm so happy for them. I worked with one of them. Very good chap! He works really hard and still makes time to explain to little fish like me. The other guy is also a nice fella, keeps talking about his baby daughter and keeps reminding me to let him know if I have problem juggling between work and home.

Oh yeah, I got my work permit extension. 5 years. Need to renew my visa now. That should take a day. Not sure how long I'm going to be here.

We'll see how it goes.

Have a good weekend!

ps: I miss TD......

I'm here

TD called last night upon knowing the ‘issue’. At the end of our conversation, I thanked him for calling. “There is nothing to thank for. I’m here, ok?”.

I hope his trip goes well.

We'll do it all
every thing on our own
we don't need
anything or anyone

if i lay here, if i just lay here,
would you lie with me, and just forget the world

i don't quite know
how to say how i feel
those three words are said too much
they're not enough

if i lay here, if i just lay here,
would you lie with me, and just forget the world

forget what we're told
before we get too old
show me a garden
thats bursting into life

let's waste time chasing cars
around our heads
i need your grace
to remind me to find my own

if i lay here, if i just lay here,
would you lie with me, and just forget the world

forget what we're told
before we get too old
show me a garden thats bursting into life

all that i am
all that i ever was
its here in your perfect eyes
they're all i can see
i don't know where
confused about how as well
just know that these things
will never change for us at all

if i lay here, if i just lay here,
would you lie with me, and just forget the world


Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars (acoustic)

Learn to live..

Things didn’t go too well today. Family issues. Luckily my bosses didn’t bother me much (I was on the phone for 2-3 times, trying to resolve the issues).

The strangest thing was, I didn’t feel much troubled compare to before. I mean, each time any family issue arises, I do get stressed out. Today, I was calmer. I think I handled it ok (for one party, I need to reach out and explain to the other party).

Of course, I wrote an email to TD, explaining how I felt with the whole issue.

It reminds me of this last scene in CSI Miami last Tuesday.

The girl said, for the past few years, she was trying hard not to die (she has cancer, thus all the treatment etc). In her effort to do so, she forgot to live.

I remember how my life was last year. I was emotionally drained, trying to figure out what went wrong with my marriage and how to make things work. At one point, I cried day and night, for almost 2 weeks. I lost my soul…

But this year, my life has changed so much, even I could spot it through my daughter’s eyes. One day, while re-arranging our stuffs, I saw her old pictures. I looked at her picture taken middle of last year and compared to the pictures taken recently. When I looked into her eyes, I could see the sadness in the picture taken last year. The pictures taken this year, her eyes glowed….

Despite how many issues you encounter in life, take a step back and breath… learn to live….and life isn’t so bad after all…

Phone call

I was pretty tied down with work today and decided to call TD (stress reliever. Hehhe).

He’s been working late these days. I told him that he might as well camp at office. :P Oh well, he’s going back this Friday to attend his brother’s wedding. I wanted to follow but he said he’s going to rush from one place to another. It’s another 3 hours drive from the airport, on top of 3 hours of flight. But he’s coming back on Monday.

“Do you want anything from ‘City’?”

Actually, I wanted to tell him that the only thing I want is his time (and him of course but that’s also a wishful thinking). I finally said to get me anything, if he has time to do any shopping. He said he will cos he will arrive at his city on Monday morning and his flight is late afternoon.

Sigh… now I miss him. I just need to bear for a week.

Something good going...

My friend said this to me, “you’ve got something good going now. Don’t spoil the mood.”

He has a point. I mean, I shouldn’t let this melancholic feeling take over my day. Most importantly, I don’t want this feeling to affect the people around me.

And that crazy guy has also made me fall for this song. It’s an oldie. Kind of make me think of TD too. Yes dear, I understood what you meant by ‘something good’.

Enjoy the song!



Al Green Let's Stay Together

A daughter's love

My daughter's words last night, before she went to bed,

"Mummy, u are a good mom. I love u".

It made me cry. I hide away the tears. Knowing her, she feels sad when she sees me cry.

She is an angel.... I love u too baby.

Thank you...

I’m feeling melancholic today.

My friends have been very supportive throughout the difficult times in my life. No words could express how much I appreciate their encouragement, their faith in me, their hopes for the best thing in life for me and the little one.

As much as I try to be strong, I crumble sometimes.

I wish I could make things easier for my girl. I wish I could tell her things will be the same between me and her father. I wish that he was still the same person whom we used to know.

But it is only wishful thinking.

My friends keep saying, it wasn’t me that led the changes. Maybe who he is now is the real person. Me and the little one was just a constraint for him to lead the life he always wanted...his true colours.

I have to be strong. I am blessed for having people who care a lot for me and my girl. I should be enjoying each day as it comes, especially with someone who is willing to share his life with me and the little one. For that, I am thankful.

Thank you for:
- being there when I needed someone to listen,
- being a shoulder to cry on,
- lifting me up when I was down,
- making me smile when I was sad,
- bringing me medicine and food for the little one when I fell ill and incapable of doing anything,
- accepting me for who I am, my weakness and strength.
- seeing us after spending 4 hours on a day-trip travelling,
- finding us the best chocolate cake in town, even if it was out of your way simply because you know we love them.

I don’t know what lies for us in future but I appreciate the time that we have spent so far.

Flowers

The sight of a man with a bouquet of flowers. I was speechless.

You see, I hardly receive flowers. I remember once I told 'the ex' that women love to be pampered and receive flowers, he told me off. Since then, I never asked anything from him.


Last night, TD came all the way from another city. He had a meeting there, a day trip. Journey would have taken him 4 hours in total (minimum). Yet he came to see whether me and the little one was doing ok (remember being sick part).

When someone puts aside his time for us, despite his hectic schedule, it really means a lot. The fact how tired he was, with the travelling and the meeting, yet managed to drop by at my place, after a pit-stop to get some flowers, really touched me.


I'm being swept away.......

This is how I feel:

For once in my life
Ive got someone who needs me
Someone Ive needed so long
For once unafraid I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know Ill be strong

For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of
Long before I knew
Someone warm like you
Could make my dreams come true

For once in my life I wont let sorrow hurt me
Not like its hurt me before
For once Ive got someone I know wont desert me
And Im not alone anymore
For once I can say: this is mine you cant take it
As long as Ive got love I know I can make it
For once in my life Ive got someone who needs me

michael buble and fiorello

Hugs

I need a hug!!!

Well, from a man of course. I get hugs all the time from my angel. She simply loves snuggling with me.

But right now, I really need a hug from that special someone. Being sick makes you a bit emotional. I dont normally ask anything from TD but at the moment, it'd be nice to spend time with him. If only he knows a spell to split his time between work, his masters and me (like Hermione in her second or third year, having loads of classes to attend).

For now, I'm settling with a hug from princess.

Flying fairies

Third day being sick.

I finally decided to give myself a break. Called my director, said I’m unwell. Went to see the doc. She gave me antibiotics and MC for today. I know I cant possibly sleep. Might as well fill up my blog.

When I went back a few months ago, I asked my little bro to compile some malay songs. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to listen to it until today. He knows the type of songs that I’d like to hear. He also has good fashion sense. I love shopping with my bro!

Ok. So things like that make me miss home. I have nothing against going back. But I’m tired meeting people’s expectation. Life is so simple here. Maybe because I only focus on how to make my life with the little one better.

Why people like to make things difficult? Why people like to make things hard on others? Why people can be so selfish?

Daddy was complaining about some things. I told him, I will try to remember to do that on the little one, among other things I have to remember. I have been raising her since she was born, 90% by myself, trying my best to be a good mom. Why do people love to comment or criticise? Why cant they see beyond the picture?

Why cant they feel and proud that I managed to pursue my chartered profession while raising a baby (with an absent husband) and working 60-80 hours a week? Why cant they appreciate I got myself a good job with a big firm in a big city (despite being a single parent)?

Things like these make me nuts to go back. Hell! Never mind. People will continue with their way. I cant stop them from criticising and complaining. I know whatever I say, it will fall on deaf ears. No one listens nor help. So why bother? I’ll be wasting my energy. I should focus my mind on happy thoughts like planning that Disneyland trip with the little one. She said, ‘we can see fairies flying at Disneyland, mummy’. Hmmm, I cant seem to make her think otherwise.

So for now, I believe there are fairies flying in Disneyland! Keep things simple yeah!