Ginger bread man

I’m done for today and it’s only 4pm. My report is due at 4.30pm (first draft). Nothing much I can do anyway since I don’t have access to the rest of the information. Going to review the stuffs next week. Guess I’m going home early tonight (was expecting to be working late).

My girl made me a ginger bread man! Yup! Like the ones in Shrek. She decorated it, with smarties chocolate and icing pen. I had it for tea just now. It was as big as my palm! She actually told me to show it off at office (which I did. My secretary thought it was so sweet of her to do so).

Did my long overdue waxing (at home of course). When you are a mom (in my case, a working single mom), it’s just hard to find time for yourself. My routine starts at 7am and ends at 10-12 pm, sometimes way past midnight if I have to continue work at home. This week, I’ve been making sandwich and boiled sweetcorn for my girl’s packed lunch. Today, I even made fried rice for my own lunch (there were some leftovers. Might as well bring it to work). I try to make it a point to put some time for myself once a month, either for body pampering, shopping for my own things (which usually ends up with her stuffs), coffee with friends, etc. It’s also her time to catch up with her friends as they go to different schools. They will compare notes, exchange gossips ie who is the cutest boy in their class.

Despite my rush to complete this report, I Googled TD during lunch time. Hehhehe… I was surprised that it came out a few, most in his language which I couldn’t comprehend. Well, not really that surprised since he was actually quite prominent in his profession back home. But the best part was I got his picture! Hahahhaha… Published by the university. I get to see his course-mates, mostly investment bankers. There are only 30 of them I think. He looks good (ehheheh… bias again). Well, he always looks good in a suit.

Thinking what to do this weekend. Ms Alchemist suggests that I watch Casino Royale. I’m not a fan of James Bond movies. I only watch it because of Pierce Brosnan. :P This week’s Ghost Whisperer was kind of eerie, to be continued next week.

Also, this year I shall attend the department’s/firm’s Christmas dinner. Thus, I shall find a dress. I’m sure the first person who will look forward shopping for my dress will be none other than my girl. I’m sure that she will look forward to see me dressing up. Speaking of dresses, once I saw a lovely maroon dress from Monsoon. It’s actually for kids aged 13+. My friends persuaded me to try but I was sceptical (I didn’t think I’d fit). Surprise surprise! I did! And yes it was lovely… (and hell lot cheaper).

Supergirl

I’m having my second mocha for today. I must be stressed. I actually wanted to get a snack but I ended up with coffee. Damn that cashier. He just knew how to melt me with his smile. Ahhaha.. Lame excuse. I think I’m just stressed and need a coffee break. Plus the café downstairs serve good and CHEAP coffee. My mocha (which I have every morning), only cost £1.50 compare to Starbucks of £2.30. Life is good. :D

Also, today I saw our secretaries went shopping for one of the Directors. I think it’s a gift for his wife/kid. Don’t know. I said to my secretary, “what would they do without you?”. When I was a kid, most of my birthday gifts and cards were prepared by my dad’s secretary. He just signed them. I hope I won’t become one of them. I’ll try my best to choose my kid’s stuffs. Most of the time, she picks her things. I just pay for them.

Update on my girl:
Called her after she got back from school. She said her right knee hurts (I think she seeks for attention). I said, she’s a supergirl, very strong. The pain will go away. Plus, I’ll give her a hug when I go back later. She was being very lovey dovey. Hehhehe… My beautiful angel. Even when she’s in pain, she brightens my day. What would I do without you by my side?

It’s been a long day. I’m going to do some body pampering tonight.

She fell!

My baby girl fell on our way to school today. She cried a bit, her lips were cut. There were a little bit of blood. I'm sure there could be bruises underneath her tights. So I carried her to school, consoled her, despite my migraine (my head still aches today. Damn that donut!). My poor baby. She hugged me, feeling safe, knowing that mummy will always be there for her.

Then I remember the times when she fell asleep in the bus on our way home from the nursery/child-care centre. The nursery to our old house was just 5-10 mins bus ride but that’s long enough for a child to fall asleep after a tiring day. I carried her, with my laptop in my backpack, from the bus stop to our home. Lucky me, she only weighs under 15kg.

Maybe that’s why she feels safe, knowing each time she falls, mummy will be there to lift her.

And I hope God gives me the strength to raise her until she is old enough to be on her own.

Krispy Kreme

It’s been a tiring day. Maybe it’s because I was actually working. :P I’m having a bad headache. I think it’s due to my excessive eating of Krispy Kreme donuts. I had 4 in the last 2 days!

Also, something bugs me today. Sigh.. I know I know. I shouldn’t let those things bug me. But I’m still human, right. I just feel strange, knowing the person who used to be part of my life has become such a different person.

On another hand, TD suddenly called! :D See, he likes to do these unexpected gestures. It’s like, he just knows that I need TLC! Hey, a phone call is still TLC to me. He said the wedding was splendid but the worst part was he had to dance. This I have to see. He said it was recorded and he’ll show me if he gets his hands on it.

I better go. I’m missing my little angel. Geesh! I actually miss her everyday!!!! Even when I had to go away for business trip, I called her twice a day!

Of course I miss TD. And that phone call made me miss him more.

Monday note

This week, I'm assigned on an energy-related project. I've made my preference to specialise in financial service and energy industry. Today has been a good day. I was given a bunch of information and documents and it was up to me to design the report format and template. Cool! It’s much easier to outline your own report. I’m sure it’ll be cut and sliced by the bigger fish but at least I get the chance to put my creative mind into that report.

So for the past 3 weeks I did FS work and the next 1-2 weeks, I’m getting into energy stuffs. Hopefully it adds up my market value. The good thing of specialising FS is that most of our assignments are based in the city. The cons – I have a lot of reading (regulated industry).

Hope you enjoyed the video clip. Sometimes I think part of the clips (certain parts), kind of reflecting my life.

I’m done for today. Leaving now. Looking forward to be greeted by my baby.

Would you lie with me...?

Chasing Cars (Grey's Anatomy Version)


I like this clip.

TGIF

I'm almost done for today. Actually, my report went out last night so I didn't have much to begin with.

My Director treated us lunch (I got to choose the place). Had calamari and lobster. Yummy!

Asked my girl what to do or where to go tonight. She said she wants to go to Boots. I was!??!?!?!? Last week, I asked her to go to Hamleys . FYI, it's a 5 storeys toy shop. She declined!!! My God. Her cartoon was far more important than going shopping at this place. And tonight, she wants to go to Boots!?! They dont even have toys there. Hmmm, maybe she wants to get that Barbie perfume. Her friend has one. Hmm, now it makes sense.

Also, two of my Directors were made Partners today. I'm so happy for them. I worked with one of them. Very good chap! He works really hard and still makes time to explain to little fish like me. The other guy is also a nice fella, keeps talking about his baby daughter and keeps reminding me to let him know if I have problem juggling between work and home.

Oh yeah, I got my work permit extension. 5 years. Need to renew my visa now. That should take a day. Not sure how long I'm going to be here.

We'll see how it goes.

Have a good weekend!

ps: I miss TD......

I'm here

TD called last night upon knowing the ‘issue’. At the end of our conversation, I thanked him for calling. “There is nothing to thank for. I’m here, ok?”.

I hope his trip goes well.

We'll do it all
every thing on our own
we don't need
anything or anyone

if i lay here, if i just lay here,
would you lie with me, and just forget the world

i don't quite know
how to say how i feel
those three words are said too much
they're not enough

if i lay here, if i just lay here,
would you lie with me, and just forget the world

forget what we're told
before we get too old
show me a garden
thats bursting into life

let's waste time chasing cars
around our heads
i need your grace
to remind me to find my own

if i lay here, if i just lay here,
would you lie with me, and just forget the world

forget what we're told
before we get too old
show me a garden thats bursting into life

all that i am
all that i ever was
its here in your perfect eyes
they're all i can see
i don't know where
confused about how as well
just know that these things
will never change for us at all

if i lay here, if i just lay here,
would you lie with me, and just forget the world


Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars (acoustic)

Learn to live..

Things didn’t go too well today. Family issues. Luckily my bosses didn’t bother me much (I was on the phone for 2-3 times, trying to resolve the issues).

The strangest thing was, I didn’t feel much troubled compare to before. I mean, each time any family issue arises, I do get stressed out. Today, I was calmer. I think I handled it ok (for one party, I need to reach out and explain to the other party).

Of course, I wrote an email to TD, explaining how I felt with the whole issue.

It reminds me of this last scene in CSI Miami last Tuesday.

The girl said, for the past few years, she was trying hard not to die (she has cancer, thus all the treatment etc). In her effort to do so, she forgot to live.

I remember how my life was last year. I was emotionally drained, trying to figure out what went wrong with my marriage and how to make things work. At one point, I cried day and night, for almost 2 weeks. I lost my soul…

But this year, my life has changed so much, even I could spot it through my daughter’s eyes. One day, while re-arranging our stuffs, I saw her old pictures. I looked at her picture taken middle of last year and compared to the pictures taken recently. When I looked into her eyes, I could see the sadness in the picture taken last year. The pictures taken this year, her eyes glowed….

Despite how many issues you encounter in life, take a step back and breath… learn to live….and life isn’t so bad after all…

Phone call

I was pretty tied down with work today and decided to call TD (stress reliever. Hehhe).

He’s been working late these days. I told him that he might as well camp at office. :P Oh well, he’s going back this Friday to attend his brother’s wedding. I wanted to follow but he said he’s going to rush from one place to another. It’s another 3 hours drive from the airport, on top of 3 hours of flight. But he’s coming back on Monday.

“Do you want anything from ‘City’?”

Actually, I wanted to tell him that the only thing I want is his time (and him of course but that’s also a wishful thinking). I finally said to get me anything, if he has time to do any shopping. He said he will cos he will arrive at his city on Monday morning and his flight is late afternoon.

Sigh… now I miss him. I just need to bear for a week.

Something good going...

My friend said this to me, “you’ve got something good going now. Don’t spoil the mood.”

He has a point. I mean, I shouldn’t let this melancholic feeling take over my day. Most importantly, I don’t want this feeling to affect the people around me.

And that crazy guy has also made me fall for this song. It’s an oldie. Kind of make me think of TD too. Yes dear, I understood what you meant by ‘something good’.

Enjoy the song!



Al Green Let's Stay Together

A daughter's love

My daughter's words last night, before she went to bed,

"Mummy, u are a good mom. I love u".

It made me cry. I hide away the tears. Knowing her, she feels sad when she sees me cry.

She is an angel.... I love u too baby.

Thank you...

I’m feeling melancholic today.

My friends have been very supportive throughout the difficult times in my life. No words could express how much I appreciate their encouragement, their faith in me, their hopes for the best thing in life for me and the little one.

As much as I try to be strong, I crumble sometimes.

I wish I could make things easier for my girl. I wish I could tell her things will be the same between me and her father. I wish that he was still the same person whom we used to know.

But it is only wishful thinking.

My friends keep saying, it wasn’t me that led the changes. Maybe who he is now is the real person. Me and the little one was just a constraint for him to lead the life he always wanted...his true colours.

I have to be strong. I am blessed for having people who care a lot for me and my girl. I should be enjoying each day as it comes, especially with someone who is willing to share his life with me and the little one. For that, I am thankful.

Thank you for:
- being there when I needed someone to listen,
- being a shoulder to cry on,
- lifting me up when I was down,
- making me smile when I was sad,
- bringing me medicine and food for the little one when I fell ill and incapable of doing anything,
- accepting me for who I am, my weakness and strength.
- seeing us after spending 4 hours on a day-trip travelling,
- finding us the best chocolate cake in town, even if it was out of your way simply because you know we love them.

I don’t know what lies for us in future but I appreciate the time that we have spent so far.

Flowers

The sight of a man with a bouquet of flowers. I was speechless.

You see, I hardly receive flowers. I remember once I told 'the ex' that women love to be pampered and receive flowers, he told me off. Since then, I never asked anything from him.


Last night, TD came all the way from another city. He had a meeting there, a day trip. Journey would have taken him 4 hours in total (minimum). Yet he came to see whether me and the little one was doing ok (remember being sick part).

When someone puts aside his time for us, despite his hectic schedule, it really means a lot. The fact how tired he was, with the travelling and the meeting, yet managed to drop by at my place, after a pit-stop to get some flowers, really touched me.


I'm being swept away.......

This is how I feel:

For once in my life
Ive got someone who needs me
Someone Ive needed so long
For once unafraid I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know Ill be strong

For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of
Long before I knew
Someone warm like you
Could make my dreams come true

For once in my life I wont let sorrow hurt me
Not like its hurt me before
For once Ive got someone I know wont desert me
And Im not alone anymore
For once I can say: this is mine you cant take it
As long as Ive got love I know I can make it
For once in my life Ive got someone who needs me

michael buble and fiorello

Hugs

I need a hug!!!

Well, from a man of course. I get hugs all the time from my angel. She simply loves snuggling with me.

But right now, I really need a hug from that special someone. Being sick makes you a bit emotional. I dont normally ask anything from TD but at the moment, it'd be nice to spend time with him. If only he knows a spell to split his time between work, his masters and me (like Hermione in her second or third year, having loads of classes to attend).

For now, I'm settling with a hug from princess.

Flying fairies

Third day being sick.

I finally decided to give myself a break. Called my director, said I’m unwell. Went to see the doc. She gave me antibiotics and MC for today. I know I cant possibly sleep. Might as well fill up my blog.

When I went back a few months ago, I asked my little bro to compile some malay songs. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to listen to it until today. He knows the type of songs that I’d like to hear. He also has good fashion sense. I love shopping with my bro!

Ok. So things like that make me miss home. I have nothing against going back. But I’m tired meeting people’s expectation. Life is so simple here. Maybe because I only focus on how to make my life with the little one better.

Why people like to make things difficult? Why people like to make things hard on others? Why people can be so selfish?

Daddy was complaining about some things. I told him, I will try to remember to do that on the little one, among other things I have to remember. I have been raising her since she was born, 90% by myself, trying my best to be a good mom. Why do people love to comment or criticise? Why cant they see beyond the picture?

Why cant they feel and proud that I managed to pursue my chartered profession while raising a baby (with an absent husband) and working 60-80 hours a week? Why cant they appreciate I got myself a good job with a big firm in a big city (despite being a single parent)?

Things like these make me nuts to go back. Hell! Never mind. People will continue with their way. I cant stop them from criticising and complaining. I know whatever I say, it will fall on deaf ears. No one listens nor help. So why bother? I’ll be wasting my energy. I should focus my mind on happy thoughts like planning that Disneyland trip with the little one. She said, ‘we can see fairies flying at Disneyland, mummy’. Hmmm, I cant seem to make her think otherwise.

So for now, I believe there are fairies flying in Disneyland! Keep things simple yeah!

Blimey!

I lost my report!!!! Sigh. Luckily it was only a few slides but I have to re-write the whole stuffs again. Plus, I'm not feeling very well. TD called and I missed it (not on purpose). I told him that I think I have fever. Got to go back to office for confirmation on my rating. Couldnt be bothered since I just joined. Heard that I'm entitled for salary increment. :D Good huh? And I've only been with the firm for 5 months or so.

Also found out that my client (who is in his early 30s ) gets €200k++ per annum in remuneration!!! I must be in the wrong profession.

An old friend

I received an email from an old friend. She’s expecting her first child. I’m very happy for her. I’m sure she’s counting the days (like I did).

My friend thought that I’m planning to go back to be on track on my career path, “Knowing how strong and ambitious you are, I'm sure you'll do well in yourcareer no matter whatever your decision is!!! That is something that is very admirable about Ms X I've known for 16 years.”

Hmmm, has it been that long ie our friendship? Time sure flies. Part of her statement was right. I am ambitious. I don’t believe I cant achieve my goals. It’s whether how much I want it.

You see, now, my career progress is a bit slow (compare to what I used to). Yet, I also realise how much I miss the little stuffs. Reading a book before her bedtime, making roti canai over the weekend, experimenting food etc.

So I guess, at the moment, I have the best of both worlds. I have time for my girl and a good career. It may not be a great job but it’s still a good one. It’s enough to cover our 2 bedroom apartment in central London, her nanny, our shopping, our holidays (we’ve travelled 4 times this year!).

Of course, deep inside I wish I have someone apart from a 5 year old kid to share my life with. A companion. Someone to share my thoughts, my feelings, my fears, my achievement etc.

I think I have found that someone. But maybe I’m scared of being hurt again. Maybe that’s why it’s still hard for me to open up.

It takes time to heal the pain, to trust, to love and be loved…

In darkness, you shall find light

TD has always made me feel safe, that everything will be fine. His words have always calmed me. Despite his hectic schedule, he makes time for us, he takes time to listen.

He told me not to be hard on the little one. I know. Sometimes I think I’m too hard on her. I just don’t want her to be disappointed. I just want to be a responsible mother.

Maybe I’m being protective. I don’t want her to get hurt when people fail to meet her expectations.

Sometimes I have to be strict on her, often on solid grounds why I have to do so. But it hurts me back when I see her sad. Because each time I try to impose rules or restrictions, there is no one to console her. In a typical family, you have a disciplinary and a consoler. When a parent scolds the kids, the other parent will be the ‘good cop’. She doesn’t and I have to live with the guilt.

She knows why sometimes I have to be strict. I always explain to her why I was upset. For example, you need to learn to share things with your friends (even when they don’t), don’t push boys for no reason (only do that when it is necessary. Hehhehe), don’t waste your food (because some people don’t even have food on their plate).

I may pamper my girl like a princess but she must always remember to be humble. Despite raising her by myself, we are fortunate that I’m able to provide good things for her. Some single parents are not so lucky.

Each night, I spend some time with the little one chatting how our day went by. I’m open to her and we talk almost everything. From her crush on boys to finding a prince for me. Hmmm, I wish it was that easy ie shop for a prince. If only you can buy them in stores, selecting which qualities you want them to have.

I’m enjoying this journey, one step at a time.

Have a good weekend!