What keeps you awake?

“Sleep. It's the easiest thing to do. You just... close your eyes. But for so many of us, sleep seems out of our grasp. We want it, but, we don't know how to get it. But once we face our demons, face our fears, and turn to each other for help, night time is not so scary, because we realize, we are not all alone in the dark.”

Once I was asked, “what keeps you awake at night?” The question was posed as that person thought my life was stress-free.

I suppose I don’t strike as a person who worries a lot just by the way I live my life. Perhaps the combination of my upbringing and past experiences led me not to reveal my emotions too much. Surely a rational person has something to chew but it is how we want to handle it makes us different from one another.

I could list down many things that keep me awake; my role as a mother, a daughter, the eldest sibling, a woman or a friend. Of course on top of the list is my responsibility as a mother. I learn to prioritise the rest or at least, make them understand why I can’t possibly meet their expectations (and sometimes, my own).

There were moments that I felt I was a disappointment to myself. Probably it was because I pushed myself too hard. I was (and still am) a perfectionist, trying to be a constant juggler. As a friend mentioned recently, our line of work is very demanding and she takes her hat off for my willingness to join the wagon. I reckon I was plain stupid or lost my mind when I decided to take this path.

She was right by saying that I have strong support that makes this journey easier. I still have a long way to go by my own standard. Of late, I realise I am making progress such as speaking more during client’s meetings or conference calls, making myself known to jet-setting seniors MDs, learning to delegate my work to others etc.

So when my family and friends suggest that I should consider prolonging my stay, my initial response was “will I still be able to manage?” I understand their advice is for my own benefit. The experience I gain here is far valuable than what I could probably achieve back home. In addition to that, I get to cherish the wonderful moments with the lil one. As someone mentioned, the under-the-duvet moment with them is something that would be missed as they grow older.

We shouldn’t let fear stop us from pursuing our dreams. If we stumble during the process, we should not feel guilty for asking for help. Even if that fails, we should gather our inner strengths and trust our capabilities.

After all, if we don’t believe in our own dreams, how can we make others have faith in them?