Friday, January 16, 2009

What keeps you awake?

“Sleep. It's the easiest thing to do. You just... close your eyes. But for so many of us, sleep seems out of our grasp. We want it, but, we don't know how to get it. But once we face our demons, face our fears, and turn to each other for help, night time is not so scary, because we realize, we are not all alone in the dark.”

Once I was asked, “what keeps you awake at night?” The question was posed as that person thought my life was stress-free.

I suppose I don’t strike as a person who worries a lot just by the way I live my life. Perhaps the combination of my upbringing and past experiences led me not to reveal my emotions too much. Surely a rational person has something to chew but it is how we want to handle it makes us different from one another.

I could list down many things that keep me awake; my role as a mother, a daughter, the eldest sibling, a woman or a friend. Of course on top of the list is my responsibility as a mother. I learn to prioritise the rest or at least, make them understand why I can’t possibly meet their expectations (and sometimes, my own).

There were moments that I felt I was a disappointment to myself. Probably it was because I pushed myself too hard. I was (and still am) a perfectionist, trying to be a constant juggler. As a friend mentioned recently, our line of work is very demanding and she takes her hat off for my willingness to join the wagon. I reckon I was plain stupid or lost my mind when I decided to take this path.

She was right by saying that I have strong support that makes this journey easier. I still have a long way to go by my own standard. Of late, I realise I am making progress such as speaking more during client’s meetings or conference calls, making myself known to jet-setting seniors MDs, learning to delegate my work to others etc.

So when my family and friends suggest that I should consider prolonging my stay, my initial response was “will I still be able to manage?” I understand their advice is for my own benefit. The experience I gain here is far valuable than what I could probably achieve back home. In addition to that, I get to cherish the wonderful moments with the lil one. As someone mentioned, the under-the-duvet moment with them is something that would be missed as they grow older.

We shouldn’t let fear stop us from pursuing our dreams. If we stumble during the process, we should not feel guilty for asking for help. Even if that fails, we should gather our inner strengths and trust our capabilities.

After all, if we don’t believe in our own dreams, how can we make others have faith in them?

13 comments:

n.i. said...

go ms B go!!!! I give u my full support :-)

Anonymous said...

i do understand the part where u can cherish the time alone with the little one. i felt the same the time i was with mr. hubs in aberdeen :D

you know, just do what you feel is right. i'm sure wherever you are, you might stumble somewhere along the way, but that's what makes you stronger rite?

Hazia said...

That's great. You have both a fulfilling career & yet still enough time to spend with your daughter. Keep it up!:)

darlene said...

i always admire your fighting spirit.

p/s guilt keeps me awake at nights :).

Cosmic_GurL said...

My husb keeps me awake at night with his loud snoring! hahahaha...

Ms. B, im sure uve thought abt the pros and cons thoroughly..u dont sound like someone who would do things on a whim, well except maybe when it has to do with matters of the heart...for tht one i think ppl should take more chances :))

Ms B said...

n.i.,

*LOL* sounds like a professional cheerleader.

Thank you! Sometimes I feel I'm just burnt-out.

Ms B said...

Momster,

Sometimes we wish we could just halt time and cherish that moment with our loved ones. Taking the time to enjoy the journey, notice the flowers on the sidewalk.

And you are right. No matter where, probably we'll stumble but by discovering our way, hopefully we will be stronger.

Ms B said...

Hi Hazia,

I know, which is why my decision becomes harder each day. I miss home but staying here has helped me to get that balancing act. I feel the bond between my daughter and I became stronger eversince we came here.

Ms B said...

ah darlene, there were times that I was down like a wounded soldier. Lost, hurted, confused.. but slowly, I learn to pick myself up when I set my eyes on the lil one.

Guilt???? If only u knew the shopping damage.. *rolling eyes* I curse the sales! *LOL*

Ms B said...

CG,

U just remind me to make sure that should I decide to remarry, I'd like separate rooms just in case he snores. *LOL*

U are right. Most of my decisions have been calculated and analysed from every angle possible. Tho sometimes I wish I could take more chances when it comes to the matter of the heart. We only have that moment once...

inaz said...

i really envy u...

i ve never been married, no one interested in me... :(

Ms B said...

Hi inaz,

Thank you for dropping by!

Dont feel despair. I'm sure there is someone for you out there but first you need to be happy with your own company. If we dont feel good about ourselves, how can we attract good people?

There is nothing to envy. I have my ups and down too. :)

inaz said...

thanks Ms B,

Inaz