Expectations

Daddy has left.

Last night, me and the little one had a heart-to-heart talk, about life, our home, our hopes. Funny that it’s easier to talk to a five year old kid than to an adult.

I ask for her forgiveness. For being here, for not going back. I told her, there is no guarantee that life will be better for me and her if we go back. There is no guarantee that we will be taken care of.

People back home miss her. But at the end of the day, the responsibility of taking care of her will fall on me. I remember the times we struggled, when she was sick and I drove her in the middle of the night to see the doctor, or when I was hospitalised, the constant ringing on the phone when I left her for a few hours at the grand-parents place (with my maid) when I had to study for my exam, the times that I woke her up in the middle of the night to spend some time with her because I was working late.

Never again will I go through that phase. Never again will I allow people criticise the way I raise my girl. Never again will I allow guilt for leaving my girl in their hands, even if it’s meant for a good cause.

If they miss her, where are the phone calls? Where are the birthday wishes? Why complain when she’s left at your care? Don’t give excuses. Try to be there when they need one the most.

Family is important. It hurts when you are surrounded by people who should be caring for you but they don’t bother. At least by being away, I have excuses why they don’t seem to care. At least by being away, we stop having expectations.

I learn that love and care comes from the unexpected. A simple act of kindness always brightens your day. When you stop hoping and having expectations, any gestures will make your day.

We are happier here. Home is where we have each other, me and the little one.

Mungkin bila nanti

Saatnya ku berkata mungkin yang terakhir kalinya
Sudahlah lepaskan semua kuyakin inilah waktunya
Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua disini

Dan bila hatimu termenung bangun dari mimpi2mu
Membuka hatimu yang dulu cerita saat bersamaku
Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua disini

Tak usah kau tanyakan lagi simpan untukmu sendiri
Semua sesal yang kau cari semua rasa yang kau beri

Mask for every occasions

We had a blast this Eid. Friends came over, in three batches! We didn’t go out on the first day except to Malaysia Hall for prayers and followed a friend to Mawar restaurant for their open house. Food was good (according to guests). I had to make another round of pulut kuning. The little one loves it a lot. I think she ate most of it.

Do you sometimes wonder how people can lead two different lives? Like wearing different masks on different occasions.

I believe things happened for a reason. Like landing a career in London when I was the least to leave the country, filing for my divorce and going through it without the support from my family.

I believe God gave me a better life by coming here…

Despite how close the little is with her father, the reality is, he will continue back with his lifestyle once he goes back. At the moment, he has time for her. Once he’s back to his routine, the little one will feel neglected. As for me, I can’t accept his way of life. I may not be religious, but there are limitations on things that I can handle. I can’t handle knowing what he does, and knowing he will not change.

Strange… you think you know a person after being with them for so long. Honestly, people are prone to changes. Some may resist and continue to be the same old person. I believe I have changed, though there are certain aspects of me that are still the same. I only have one watch which I bought 10 years ago. I don’t have any branded stuffs. I only shop in three stores: Zara, Gap and Espirit (simply because it’s hard to find my size and suitable designs).

I’m counting my blessings. A daughter who adores me and vice versa, friends who continue supporting me in every way they can, that special someone who believes things will be better for me and the little one.

Have a nice weekend!

When two is better than one

I find this article touching. Enjoy reading!

A recent poll in a Turkish newspaper included an eye-catching statistic. A substantial majority of the population, 63%, thought it perfectly acceptable for a man to have more than one wife. Although polygamy itself is relatively scarce in the modern population it still exists, primarily in the ethnicallly Kurdish section of the population and amongst some older ethnically Turkish couples. My neighbours at the first house I occupied upon moving here were polygamous, Ali Osman Kaya was living with Hadiye and Bedriye and had been since 1956. Their story was moving but I am sure not unique.
Ali Osman Kaya, now 82, was born in the year that Turkey became a republic and two years before Mustafa Kemal Ataturk outlawed multiple marriages. A good citizen of the new country, he completed his military service on the Greek border during the Second World War and returned honourably to his village ready to marry his sweetheart Hadiye. He was 24, she was 22 and she had waited for his homecoming for four years . Ali Osman sold most of the flocks he had been given by his father and together they moved from Ekincik to the village of Çandır where he bought 40 donums of overgrown uncultivtated land. The young couple set about the back breaking work of clearing the land, uprooting scrub and trees, using donkeys to till the earth and planting the citrus and olive trees that were to ensure their economic survival. Hadiye tended to the sheep and goats with a passion, livestock are still amongst her greatest pleasures today when at the age of 80 she is still herds their small flock up and down the mountain.
The farm prospered, they got chickens, ducks, a few cows, a couple of dogs and Ali Osman rode a horse when he had to travel to and from the village. Their home was not luxurious but it was comfortable and they had won the friendship and admiration of their fellow villagers with their hard work and cheerful manners. The only thing that was missing was a child. No matter how often they tried, despite the endless folk remedies suggested to Hadiye she never fell pregnant. They appealed to Ali Osman’s brother to give him one of his sons to rear as their own but he refused. For 15 years they stayed together in their childless marriage until at the age of 37 Hadiye accepted that she was now too old to ever have children. Unable to deny Ali Osman the sons he coveted she suggested that he divorce her and take another wife. She said goodbye to the farm and moved alone to a smaller house in the village. Ali Osman married again and the marriage swiftly failed, he divorced wife 2 and then took 16 year old Bedriye as his third wife. Within months she was settled in well on the farm and was pregnant with their first child.
When the baby girl was born everyone was overjoyed except Bedriye, she was unable to shrug off a nagging sense of guilt she had had since moving in with Ali Osman.With a child successfully delivered she was now secure as his wife and able to make an audacious move that no-one expected of a 17 year old young woman with a new baby. Bedriye went into the village and found 39 year old Hadiye in her pitiful small house and confessed to her the feelings she had kept bottled up inside. Hadiye listened in disbelief as the teenager explained that she felt that it was not fair that after 15 years working on the farm and being wife to Ali Osman that Hadiye should be living alone in straitened circumstances. She almost dropped her knitting when Bedriye asked her to return and live with her and Ali Osman, Bedriye’s only proviso was that there was to be no jealousy but peaceful family relations and to this day Bedriye repectfully calls Hadiye ‘aba’ the word used to indicate respect for an older sister or female relative.
To my knowledge the situation between the three of them has always been calm, Bedriye went on to have 4 more children, two more girls and two boys and all 5 children refer to both women as mum. They shared the chores and field work between them, Bedriye tended to the home, washing and cooking and looking after guests and Hadiye looked after the animals, shearing them, milking them and herding them. Bedriye had her own bedroom, always a light sleeper, she was unable to tolerate Ali Osman’s snoring every night and Hadiye and Ali Osman shared a room but not a bed. In the winter the three of them often share the heat of one room together. They are living proof that women can share a marriage and that polygamy is not always the male led enterprise it is made out to be.
Polygamy is thus encouraged in certain situations where there is a problem within an existing marriage. The problem must be perceived to be legitimate for example, as with Hadiye and Bedriye, if the first wife isn't able to provide children. She may not necessarily want to be divorced from her husband and she would like to be part of a family, in cases like these first wives may actually encourage their husbands to get married again and find a wife for him that she thinks would be suitable. The first wife has an important say in the matter as she is considered to best understand the husband and know his personality and she also chooses somebody that she feels personally she will get along with. The second wife has the children but both wives would take turns in looking after them. In the UK’s muslim community arrangements such as these exist and allow second wives to maintain a career or a profession and the arrangement can work out very nicely if it has been carefully discussed and structured.

Selamat Hari Raya

Syawal kunjung tiba..

Somehow, this raya feels more cheerful than previous years. I’m hosting open house. Menu will be chicken rendang, nasi himpit/ compressed rice cakes, satay sauce, pulut kuning/ glutinous or sticky rice.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. The three of us will head to China Town to get the ingredients. Good that Daddy is here so that he can carry the stuffs. Need to go the market too. Feel like having grilled fish for iftar tomorrow.

Tonight, we shall have iftar at Holiday Villa. Hopefully the food is good.

I wish you Selamat Hari Raya, Happy Eidul Fitri, Ramazan Bayram.

Daddy is coming!

Daddy will arrive tomorrow.

The little one is excited! She even puts aside her favourite cheese (it’s the last piece) so that her daddy gets to eat it when he arrives. She’s so sweet! That’s one thing about her that truly amazes me. Her thoughtfulness. She always thinks about others. Something we adult sometimes lack off.

I can never hate my ex. How could I when he has given me the most wonderful gift of all? I know some friends will find it odd that he is coming to spend raya with us (one friend even called to confirm his arrival). But I’m sure he misses his daughter (in his own way). I’m sure despite being surrounded by beautiful girls and other distractions, it can never beat the feeling of being with the little one.

We have grown so much apart over the last 2 years, especially for the past one year. I truly feel that he’s a stranger. Maybe that’s why when the ‘get-together’ dilemma pops up, I know I can’t do it. I know somehow I can never live with this man again. I just wish I’m ready to go back home so that the little one gets to spend more time with him.

But again, it takes two people to make it work. There is no point of going back when he has limited time for the little one.

Anyway, I promised myself to have a good time this raya. Odd or not, I’m inviting friends for open house, with his presence. I even have a special request to have petai in the menu. Who serves petai on hari raya?!?!? Guess I’ll be the first.

Wishful thinking

Tonight we’re having iftar outside. Thought of going to Holiday Villa but heard it’ll be packed with politicians and politicians-wannabe. We might head to elsewhere.

Last night, I realised that if anything happens to me, what will happen to the little one? I mean, there are times that I feel her father will be the last to know about her whereabouts. He doesn’t call nor email to ask about her. It has always been me. If one day I stop calling, will he call? Will he know what happened to us? Most importantly, will he know the welfare of the little one should something happen to me?

Being a single parent, you can’t afford to make mistakes at work. You know how important your job is, to provide for your dependants. You can’t screw up. You constantly worry whether you did the right report or provided the right analysis. You worry about the bills and whether we have sufficient funds during rainy days. You always look at the clock to ensure all your timing is right, from making her packed lunch to arriving to work on time and be home at a reasonable hour to tuck her to bed.

I wish one day I can wake up without worrying, that everything will be fine.

Ayam Masak Lemak

Last weekend, I hosted iftar (on both nights). Saturday was meant for my ex-colleagues whilst Sunday, for close friends of my friend. My friend and his family has left for good on Monday after two years on secondment. They spent 4 nights at my place. It was really nice to have them around. There were 3 kids in the house, so you could imagine how cheerful my place was.

Anyway, I made Ayam masak lemak, udang goreng cili and sambal bilis petai on Saturday. Heaven! How I miss sambal bilis petai. On Sunday, just made sambal tumis sotong and fried sea bass (sort of our ikan siakap). Accompanied with sweet soy sauce and sliced chilli. My kid was totally spoilt. I dont cook a lot nowdays. On weekdays, my nanny will do the cooking. Weekends, if we dont have guests, I'd prefer to eat out. It's only me and her. But I try to cook if I miss certain food.

I wish my friend and his family best of luck and a new beginning at home. They have been there for me during the good and bad times. No words could describe how much I appreciate their thoughts and help.

Good bye dear friends...

The opportunity of being selfish

I saw this from someone's blog. That's a reason why I dont own Gucci. Have fun reading!

I'm waiting for the movers to come and pack my stuff, and on tv, there's this chat show discussing Australia's current low birth rates and why people are putting off having babies. The audience who join the discussion are made up of a mix of professionals (demographers, fertility experts, activists etc.) and the average persons. One after another they cited their reasons for not having babies. Mostly it is about that checklist of personal accomplishments and things to do which people want for themselves. Finances, resources and all that lot are secondary to 'what I want for myself first'. One woman cited her hatred for children. Several experts pointed out that the developed world has moved away from a family-oriented focus to a individualistic, materialistic one. One of them spoke of how in 'the good old days' popular tv shows were the likes of The Brady Bunch and later The Cosby Show, whereas in these modern times, it's Friends, Sex and the City, and Will and Grace. The two he could think of that had 'families' were Desperate Housewives and Everybody Loves Raymond, but how many people can actually remember the children's names from these series? On the other hand, I still remember Rudy, Theo, Denise, Vanessa and Sandra Huxtable.
Over and over again, the audience in this talk show admitted to being selfish when it comes to what they want in life. They are living the good life, why mess it up with children?
Then, one young lady who is a mother of three at the age of 24, was asked her point of view. She was not a professional, she told her story about having a young mother and loving the idea of being one herself and has no regrets. She said that now that she has had her three children, she is now juggling some goals for herself - a part-time job and full-time schooling. What she said next made me respect her so much, mostly because she stood up and spoke out to the many high-flying career people around her. She said, because she had her children so young, she was never at a living standard that was so high that she had to 'come down to' a level where it feels like a sacrifice. She said, (and I love this), I never had the opportunity to be selfish. What I love more was how she said that with confidence, and how as the audience applauded her, her husband's arm came up around her offering support and a show of pride.

Birth date

Your Birthdate: January 10

Independent and dominant, you tend to be the alpha dog in most situations.You're very confident, and hardly anything ever shakes you.Mundane tasks tend to drain you - you prefer to be making great plans.You are quite original. When people don't "get" you, it bothers you a lot. Your strength: Your ability to gain respect Your weakness: Caring too much what others think Your power color: Orange-red Your power symbol: Letter X Your power month: October

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Quite true...

Missing nasi lemak kerang..

TGIF!!!!

Well, not that I have anything to do to begin with. :D

I have dinner with my ex-colleagues from my old firm back home. It’s a treat from one of them for his promotion and farewell dinner for another friend as he’s going back for good.

Got an iftar invitation for tomorrow in Surrey. Not sure whether I’m going or not. I need a car. Well, not really but when you have friends living miles away or it’s quite a hassle to use the public transport, then it just feels nice to have one. I’m trying to save money, hoping I might buy a property. I need to decide where, here or KL. Once I make my choice, then I guess that will be my home.

There are things that I love about here but there are also things that I miss back home. The nasi lemak kerang, mee goreng mamak, teh tarik, lepaking at mamak, etc etc. I’m really a simple person. Not that I don’t like going to fancy places or use designer brands. It is just not me. A Gucci bag is just a fraction of my salary but I don’t even have one. I can’t remember how many times my friends have tried to get me into buying stuffs. But I don’t mind splurging on my little one. She usually gets the best of everything, within my means of course.

Unless they suddenly open a mamak here, serving mee goreng and nasi lemak kerang, maybe it’s a good thing to stay here permanently.

Have a nice weekend!

Which city do u belong to?

You Belong in Rome

You're a big city girl with a small town heart Which is why you're attracted to the romance of Rome. Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand And gorgeous Italian men - could life get any better?

What City Do You Belong In?

Hmm, interesting. Truly describe me.

3rd day jobless

I'm unassigned today. Sigh! It's my third day so far. My friends have warned me that my new job will potentially have very 'off-peak' period. I'm experiencing it now.

I'm fully aware that not everyday people decide to go listing or sell or buy companies. But being me, I cant stand being unassigned. Saw one of my colleagues today. Cute boyish look, messy hair, nice accent (he's from Jersey). He joined almost the same time like I did. He said he had that for a few weeks. He's thankful that they got him booked on an assignment.

My time cost is almost double compare to old job. It's £320 per hour! Thats £2.4 k per day and it's my 3rd day. This firm really makes money with the amount they charge. Not that I'm reaping the benefits. I'm sure the precentage of my salary over the charge-out rate is small. It goes to the BIG FISH. Hopefully one day I get to be one of the BIG FISH. hehhehe... no harm dreaming yeah.

On another note, TD will start his Master today. I really dont know how he juggles his time. Being one of the BIG FISH with hectic work schedule and now attending classes 2-3 times a week. Plus, he tries his best to make time for me and the little one. He's something...

Hmmm, maybe me being unassigned gives me time to fill this blog.....?

Leaving now..

Ramadan day 9

TD came for dinner last night. Haven’t seen him for a month! He was away for 2 weeks on holiday and before that, he was rushing out for report. Accountant + accountant = limited time. Still, we try to meet up and spend some time together. Yesterday was really nice. He just got back the day before and decided to meet us.

The little one was excited. She put away her things, rearranged the living room. She also helped out to set the table. TD was so impressed!!! Oh yeah, TD got her a jersey from his home country. She loves it! While I prepared dinner, she asked TD to do some drawings. Pity her that she has me as a mom who couldn’t even draw a circle! TD has a flare with arts. Had he not become an accountant, he’d be an architect. No wonder my kid loves him dearly.

Anyway, I made mee bandung. Wasn’t sure TD was up to it. Bought some curry puffs too. He bought desserts but we didn’t manage to eat them. Ramadan…you feel like eating everything but truth is, a decent meal will do.

The whole dinner made us happy, the three of us. Something so simple but gives so much. The act of togetherness, a family. Something we longed for.

Hope your Ramadan is as meaningful as mine.