Life after divorce

For the past two days, I’ve been calling my ex. Don’t know why. Maybe I just miss talking to him. Sometimes I wonder whether you ever get over with someone who used to be a part of your life. I guess it’s hard, especially in my case. Being in a foreign land, with families and friends miles apart.

This year is the first year I’m celebrating raya as a single mom. I mean, officially as a single mom. I realised about my zakat ie who has to pay for it. Today, he asked about it. My reply was, I could ask my father to pay for it. So guess he just has to pay for the little one.

It did occur to me that if I go back home, there is possibility that I may reconcile with my ex. My friends would kill me if I ever suggest the idea, knowing what I’ve been through. Being me, my daughter comes first. Despite having men knocking the door, if she doesn’t like them or the situation will create complications, I rather stay single.

Men on the other hand, they have the opportunity to do whatever they want. I mean, like my ex, he doesn’t take care of her. Even his house resembles a bachelor’s pad. There is no clue that he used to be married or a father of one. He goes out with anyone he likes, without thinking whether this woman could be the potential step-mother to his daughter. Men just take the risk, without thinking of the consequences.

My best friend said, I have taken into account all risk when I filed for divorce. I stayed married for her sake and it didn’t help me. I was miserable, unhappy and emotionally drained. I felt my soul was being sucked away. She was right. I am feeling better and more positive about myself. I could see my daughter is happy too. Just that, once in a while, you feel that there is no life after divorce, especially when you have children. You want to be with someone but chances are small.

My best friend also reminded me that I’m still young (not sure under which dictionary), and kids or no kids, men will look beyond those factors. The right guy will come at the right time. Sometimes, they come at a wrong time and once again, you are stuck in a limbo.

Like my daughter keeps saying, ‘your prince is out there, mummy…’.

1st day of Ramadhan

This is our third year of Ramadhan in London. Last night, I took her to Malaysia Hall. It was her first time experiencing terawih prayers. All these while, I performed the prayers at home. Now she is big enough to follow. She just prayed Isya and told me she was already tired. So while I was performing terawih, she sat with the rest of the kids.

When we were done, I asked her how she felt about terawih. She really enjoyed herself! It's the atmosphere. You feel like you are close to home. She gets to see the 'kakaks', 'makciks' and 'neneks'. She had a taste of 'moreh', a simple meal served to people after the prayers.

Personally, I'm happy that she had this experience. Sometimes being away makes us want to be closer to home. Someone told me that home is the best place to raise kids so that they know their root. But that doesnt mean when you are away, you are less muslim or Malaysian. My kid is exposed to praying, fasting, quran reading (the ustaz conducts class every friday) as well as eating nasi lemak, roti canai, 'teh tarik', etc etc.

In my life, I have seen people back home who dont even hold Malaysian or Muslim values. And some people who reside overseas are more Malaysian or Muslim. At the end of the day, it's what you want.. what matters most..

On Bended Knee

Boyz II Men

One of my favorite songs...

Darlin' I can't explain
Where did we lose our way
Girl it's drivin' me insane
And I know I just need one more chance
To prove my love to you
If you come back to me
I'll gurantee
That I'll never let you go

Chorus:
Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
They way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee

So many nights I dream of you
Holding my pillow tight
I know I don't need to be alone
When I open up my eyes
To face reality
Every moment without you
It seems like eternity
I'm begging you, begging you come back to me

Chorus:
Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
They way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee

Baby, I'm sorry Please forgive me for all the wrong I've done
Please come back home girl I know you put all your trust in me
I'm sorry I let you down Please forgive me
Gonna swallow my pride Say I'm sorry
Stop pointing fingers the blame is on me I want a new life
And I want it with you If you feel the same Don't ever let it go
You gotta believe in the spirt of love It'll heal all things
We won't hurt anymore No I don't believe our love's terminal
I'm down on my knees begging you please
Come home

Chorus:
Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
They way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended, down on bended knee
Can we go back to the days our love was strong
(Wanna build a new life)
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
(Just you and me, Gonna make you my wife Raise a family)
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
They way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee

School bell

We were late today! Not exactly late LATE, but late enough for both of us. We arrived after the first bell but before the second bell (second bell is exactly at 9am). Her class-mates were about to enter the classroom. Still, we did the same routine ie hugs, kisses and blowing+catching flying kisses. :D That's our routine. Other moms notice it as well. They think we are really close.

Also, I had a meeting with the Students' Officer. Just a short meeting to ask about my girl, how is she coping, what help do I need ie after-school care, etc etc. One thing I love being here is the range of support available. They show concerns on child's development, something which is still lacking back home. The other day I read the local newspaper, about government teachers' reluctance on teaching beyond what is requred and students should rely on private tuition. Thats a bizarre!!!! I might as well send my kid to private school when I go back. Here, I dont have to pay a single cent on education and still my girl gets all she needs. In fact, after my meeting with the Students' Officer, I had another meeting with her school teacher. Ms C said that my girl knows her alphabets very well. She's quite on top of her class. :-) That's my girl! Ms C said that next friday onwards, they have homework. So I need to make sure she completes them by the following friday.

I'm inviting friends for lunch tomorrow, just before Ramadhan. Making Malaysian dishes. I've asked a friend to bring her sambal belachan. Yummy! My girl is pretty excited. Our first time hosting a party in our new home.

Have a nice weekend!

Appraisals time!

I received an email from my Appraiser’s secretary. She reminded us to book the Director’s time for the year end performance review. Not that it really matters to me since I just joined the firm about 3 months ago. Nevertheless, a new joiner like me can’t run away from the paperwork process.

So far, I don’t have any complaints with this new firm. They (i.e. management) have been very accommodating with my position as a single-parent. At one point, I asked my Director to give some indication when is the ‘peak’ period of our project coz I just want to arrange my nanny to stay overnight during those times. He just laughed! Apparently in our industry, projects never seem to be on track (it’s not that easy to finalise 5-10 years projections). We are already 4 weeks behind schedule, mainly because our client was unable to finalise their figures. So for the time being and until further notice, he told me to do my usual routines i.e. leave by 7pm and continue my work from home (if necessary).

Frankly, I couldn’t be bothered with this review process. It is so unlike me to feel this way. Two years ago, I was very career-driven. I mapped my way in order to get partnership. Had I stayed back home, I could have been a partner before I reach 35 (if I count correctly, I’d be 33, fast track).

But now, guess I mellowed down. I tend to take a more relaxing approach. I still work hard but not like before (60-80 hours per week). I’m restricting myself to 9 to 7pm routine and just one day in the weekends.

Of course deep inside I would love to have a nice career mapped in front of me. At the moment, I’m getting reasonably enough to afford a nice house in a nice centrally-located area in London, a good nanny for my kid, and enough shopping money for both of us. :P Girls will always be girls!! In my case, it’s TWO!

About men and fathers

Sometimes you think a person has changed for the better or at least learnt from past events. But each time I feel so, something will come up to say or prove otherwise.

Being separated doesn't mean you have to be enemies. I try hard to ensure my kid knows that her father loves her dearly and she will always be his number one Princess. But you reach to a point that it takes that person to make the effort to show some care or attention, and not just you alone. I call her father at least once a week so that she could talk to him. At times, she will ask why her father doesn't call her and you just get tired making up excuses. And today, I smsed him, telling that she was sick and asked him to call and talk to her. It didn't surprise me that he asked for the house number again.

I gave our new address and contact details right after we moved. It was hardly a month ago! It just annoys me that here is a man who is so preoccupied with his life to even take note on his daughter whereabouts or welfare. He is too absorbed in making himself look good, spends his money on decorating his apartment or as he says it in his 'classified', 'my kingdom of leisure', bought a brand new car with fancy sport rims, and now, he is too busy taking pictures of himself, just like a model. He just loves himself too much.

I don't expect him to be a better man. Of course, deep inside you will always have this hope that the person who used to be part of your life will change. It's just typical to feel that way. Yet thinking what I went through, I realise that I'm better off without him, emotionally. And I think is about time I make myself accept that my girl is also better off without him.

We have survived so far without him by our side. I have raised her by myself, physically, emotionally and financially for the last two years. In fact, like my friends said, I was already a single parent when she was born. The only difference was he contributed some of the expenses during the first four years of our marriage. Now, I have to ask for nafkah or child support which is minimal compare to what he earns. What is £100 per month against £20k worth of car?

Letting go is always hard. Guess it is about time for me and my girl to move on.

Lovely Sunday

It's a lovely day! My baby has been asking me to go out but I keep giving excuses. Past few weeks, I just love resting at home. We just moved into this place. Nice and cosy. Very close to our fav places. Strategically located near Kensington Gardens, Whiteleys shopping mall, Malaysia Hall and Nahar cafe, and most importantly, her best friend's home. Only 5 mins walk. I'm sure she would love a trip to the park today. We'll see. I wanted to review my report today. One thing I love about my job is that I get to spend more time with my little angel (compare to my working days back home). So some of the stuffs I could do it at home, usually it's after 9pm (she sleeps by 830pm) or during the weekend. Of course, some negotiation is involved ie working on a nice day like this. Need to bribe her with something like shopping or playing at the park. So far, her demands have been reasonable.

I better get myself ready before she nags. I think 'Mummy Returns' might do the trick while I get changed. It's on tv and dont think she watched it before. She's tempted to blog but I think I'll let her learn to write and spell first. That reminds me, she asked for a 'computer' the other day. Hmmm, kids nowdays...

Later...